RipYourLegsOff

New Socks (when will the miracles stop?)

2011-08-31T19:11:00.000-04:00

Thanks to Mel at Beehive Books for sponsoring the 2011-2012 foot coverings. Tell your friends to shop at Beehive. Where else can you get 1>an espresso 2>the latest bike mags 3>a protean bar and 4>hip cycling socks?

Best Crash E-V-E-R

2011-08-26T19:26:00.001-04:00

Still waiting for a nice snap of Colleen Kingery's boogie night black & blue stuff.

But, this just in, Keith's smashburger.

Block - OH! Criterium

2011-07-16T17:45:00.001-04:00

I was watching the Tour de France this morning before I left for the crit at Ohio State. Maybe it is because his name is so cool to say..."Dah-Veed Mon-Coo-tee-Aaa" that I decided to race like David Moncoutie the Cofidis rider that always rides at the back of the peloton. The World of Pain riders joining me were Cadillac George and Brian 'Lil' Fabian' O'Hara.

Okay, so maybe it wasn't the best plan to sit on the back today, but the 25+mph speeds were quite sharp. My first crit of the year wasn't a target race, but just a tester. Brian, George, and I were quite comfortable to follow wheels and avoid the occasional accident.

Nice race set up, ok, next week I'll race it like Phillipe Gilbert...

Just Chillin' On A Thursday Nite

2011-06-10T12:04:00.002-04:00

A nice rotating pace line for 40 miles, little trash talk, and no city limit signpost sprints.

(click on photo for larger image)

(click on photos for larger images)

Memorial Weekend

2011-05-30T18:35:00.000-04:00

No Need to tell you about the bike race at Mid-Ohio Raceway. I'd rather tell you about the Larry Allen Ride. Actually it's called Larry's Last Ride. Maybe I was thinking about the ride scheduled for Monday morning when I lined up with Cadillac George, K Flintstone, and Jeff Blodgett aka The New Sheriff at the 50+ race Saturday night. Chet Scott got an idea just after Larry passed on to the big Cat. 1 mountain in the sky a few years ago that we should repeat his last bike ride. So, we've been doing it (when the thunder and lightning storms don't stop us) every year since. Well, the race was uneventful for everyone but The Sheriff. Look out for him this year. Keith, Geo, and I got dropped hard in the winds and in the wake of Mighty Scott Young's accelerations. Do I chock it up to too few training miles? Dunno. I'd rather tell you about Larry's ride anyway. 29 turned out, we rode, we chirped, we pledged to do it every year in Larry's honor.

(if you want a better look at the pictures, just click on it to enlarge)

When will racing season really begin?

2011-04-24T19:25:00.000-04:00

MYTH BUSTERS

2011-03-06T07:39:00.001-05:00

"What doesn't kill me, makes me stronger"
FALSE (Friedrich Nietzsche was such a douche)

2011-01-21T19:11:00.003-05:00

Best of 2010

2010-12-25T08:07:00.000-05:00

Best Reads (no particular order))

1. The Imperfectionists - Tom Rachman

2. Thelonious Monk - Robin Kelley

3. War - Sabastian Junger

4. Nixonland - Rick Perlstein

5. Sunnyside - Glen David Gold

6. Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter - Seth Grahame-Smith

7. The Homecoming Party - Carmine Abate

8. Travels In Siberia - Ian Frazier

Best Listens

1. Nels Cline - Initiate (Cryptogramophone)

2. Magnus Broo - Swedish Wood (Moserobie)

3. Allison Miller - Boom Tick Boom (Foxhaven)

4. Mose Allison - The Way Of The World (Anti)

5. Jason Moran - Ten (Blue Note)

6. Jason Adasiewicz - Sun Rooms (Delmark)

7. Dan Weiss Trio - Timshel (Sunnyside)

8. Scanner - Blink Of An Eye (Thirsty Ear)

9. Jerome Sabbagh - I Will Follow You (Bee Jazz)

10. Fujiwara & The Hookup - Actionspeak (482 Music)

11. Parker/Guy/Lytton/Evans - Scenes In The House Of Music (Clean Feed)

12. Bernardo Sassetti Trio - Motion (Clean Feed)

13. Vandermark 5 Special Edition - The Horse Jumps And The Ship Is Gone (Not Two)

14. Geof Bradfield - African Flowers (Origin)

15. Brotzmann/Nilssen-Love - Woodcuts (Smalltown Superjazz)

The Art of Eating Gelato in Venice

2010-11-21T06:06:00.000-05:00

Bartoli - Coppi, and...

2010-10-27T18:47:00.000-04:00

Looks like there's room between Gino Bartali and Fausto Coppi for Pantani!

If this is Belgium, it must be raining?

2010-10-17T12:07:00.002-04:00

Actually we were warned of the opposite = "If it is raining, this must be Belgium." Throughout our October visit to Brussels, everyone was telling us that this was not typical weather. So, taking to the cobbles of Flanders without the cold and the wet might NOT have been THE REAL experience, but Mel & I agreed. the dry rock was more survivable.

We drove to the museum in Oudenaarde dedicated to de Ronde van Vlaanderen, or the Tour of Flanders. Sports fans, if you have a bucket list and are a cyclist, this is one place you don't want to miss. Hallowed ground, a sacred space, their Canton, Ohio. I got the same feeling in Boston one December day when the grounds keeper at Fenway let us walk down the ramp and into the stadium. You see, the Tour of Flanders (or Ronde) is the equivalent of the OSU v Michigan game. If you live in Belgium and even if you have no interest in cycling, you have an opinion about whether Fabian Cancellara was guilty of mechanical doping or if Stijn DeVolder is a worthy champion. Oh boy, do you have an opinion.

In the museum you can see Eddy's bikes, the muddy jersey Tom Boonen wore when he won the Ronde and you can even meet Freddy Maertens the former World Champion, and winner of Liege, the Vuelta, and of course the Ronde. The real treat here is the riding. From the museum, you can do several routes that afford you the opportunity to test your legs on the narrow roads of Flanders passing cows and school children who yell "Fietsen - fietsen!"

Mel and I were accompanied by our friend Kristof a true Belgian hardman, while we found nice bikes, Kristof rode a single speed fixie! Gulp...48x16. You do the math, my knees were aching, just looking at the bike. I guess I couldn’t complain about the ex-pros bike I was riding (no compact crank) with a 21! A 21-tooth cog, for the love of God, er, Eddy. For the love of Eddy Merckx!

His name was Ronny Assez and he showed us pictures of his races with Eric Zabel and super Mario. He had done the Ronde several times and even raced the San Francisco GP.

We rolled out, riding the tiny, no, REALLY TINY roads of the Ronde, past apathetic cows and a few young Museeuws in the making. No need for a yellow line rule here, if you aren’t at the front of the race, there is no way for you to move up. Sometimes I even felt nervous when a car was coming the other way. Would there be enough room? At one point a car full of tourists stopped me and asked for directions, of course in Flemish, when I replied in my best Brooklyn accent “What do I look like, a map?, they all began laughing and calling me "Lance, Lance, Lance." Then, I guess it was better than "Floyd, Floyd, Floyd."

Riding the cobbles was what we were here to do, and we got plenty of practice. Ask Mel about the blisters she made on her hands. My bike bounced left and right following Kristof. No way was I going to attempt to ride next to him over the cobbles, I followed Phil Ligget’s saged advice and kept to the crown in the middle of the road. By the time we got to the Oud Kwaremont climb, about 3 hours into the ride, I was ready for the cobbles. Bounce, bounce - seated bounce and I was past Kristof who was turning his gear over a bit slower now. There’s the church and I’m up. Certainly that was enough. Back to tell Ronnie about our exploits. He says with a bit of a smirk, “If you come back for the Ronde, don’t expect this nice weather.”

On the drive back to Brussels we stopped in Geraardsbergen to walk up the Muur de Grammont , or the famed wall. Beginning in the town center the cobbled road just goes up. And up. This cobbled climb is steep, 20% at the ouchy part, and not much wider than your driveway. It has the feel of Philadelphia’s Manayunk wall until it turns into a small forested climb and then past the chapel.

Arriving just before sunset, it was so quiet, but yet it was easy to imaging the roaring crowds who wait all day for their heroes to make a move and ride on to the Bosberg.

2010 World of Pain Cycling Awards

2010-09-24T17:50:00.001-04:00

So let us raise a glass to the heroes...

Sometimes there's a team... I won't say a team of heroes, 'cause what's a hero? But sometimes, there's a team – and I'm talkin' about the World of Pain here – sometimes, there's a team, well, there’s a team for this time and place. They fit right in there. And that's the World of Pain. In Ohio. And even if they’re a lazy team – and this team was most certainly that, quite possibly the laziest in all Ohio, which would place them high in the runnin' for laziest worldwide – Sometimes there's a team... Sometimes, there's a team. Ah, I lost my train of thought here. But... aw, hell. I done introduced them enough. So here's the 2010 Cycling awards.

Comeback of the Year:

Tie: Cadillac George (from near death) and Mark Ames (from vacation)

Most improved Rider Female:

Abbey Trimble (who podium’d her first race)

Most Improved Ride Male:

Keith “Larry” Flint

Best ‘bonk’ of the year:

Dan Tinderholt on the Dan & Josh Century (but he finished!)

Cyclist(s) who drove the farthest just to go for a bike ride:

Brian O!, Mel Longo, Cadillac George, Dan 4% Rhule, and Pantani (who traveled 500 miles to ride 50 in Iowa)

Best lead out draft:

Gus Comstock’s Butt.

Team Rouleur Award 2010:

Brian “Lil’ Fabian” O’Hara

Where’s Waldo award (awarded to the World of Pain rider spotted wearing another team’s kit to every major ride in Central Ohio):

Mike Rea nka Waldo

2010 Padrone Award (read while humming "Old Man River"):

Jeff 'Nacho Mama' 'JAX' Jackson

Best skin ink of 2010:

tie; swin.bike.run.Aimee and Keith Flint

Best Crash of the Year:

Iowa Josh who skipped a scheduled race so he wouldn't have road rash for his wedding, but crashed in a training ride anyway

Best new name:
Ted Pablo (that's not it) aka "IPB" (that's it) or "International Playboy" (credit goes to Jaybone for naming him)

Best excuses why they couldn't make another thursday evening ride:

The award goes to the WIVES of Bob Hatcher and Bruce 'BRUCE!' Pijanowski

Best Ride of the Year:

The Peckerhead Invitational

Best Bike Shop:

Breakaway Cycling

Best Race of the Year:
Garrett Wonders Columbus (fast, with cobbles – great set up, great venue)

Toughest Opponent 2010 Road Races:

Mighty Scott Young

Best use of Pink in training or racing apparel:

Butch man, who else?

Best use of the LARGE chain ring:

Dave Chambers

Rider most likely to be mistaken for a sausage casing: (winner 3 years running):

Stuart Hunter

Most admired quadriceps (not by me, but I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that):

Tom Kingery

Cyclist of the Year:

Tie. Coming in with equal number of votes Farmer John Price (Ohio Cat. 4 Crit champion) and Chairman Fred Parks (Master’s 55+ Ohio Crit champion and 2nd in Ohio Road Race)

Cyclist(s) who opted out of a races that started just 10 minutes from their own homes:

Again tie. Jaybone Allred and Mike "Waldo" Rea

Mountain biker of the year: sorry, but no one really cares

Hairiest legs:

(see above Mtn. Bike award) Ben Trimble

Living proof that evolution can be reversed by de-evolution:

Z-Man

Best Calves (criteria, must be larger than my quads):

Tennis Bob

Best physical condition in October (after season is over):

tie; Dale black-truffles and Frank "the taxman" Seebode

Best tribute to our former Sponsor:

Dan Will

See you next year...

Update: Listens and Reads

2010-09-11T09:49:00.001-04:00

The best books and music of 2010 (at least for me)...
Listening to:
1. Geof Bradfield - African Flowers (Origin 2010)
2. William Parker/Inside Songs Of Curtis Mayfield - I Plan To Stay A Believer (AUM, 2010)
also: WIlliam Parker - inside Songs Of Curtis Mayfield (Rai Trade, 2007)
3. Dan Weiss - Timshel (Sunnyside, 2010)
4. Jon Irabagon - Foxy (Hot Cup, 2010)
5. Alex Sipiagin - Generations (Criss Cross, 2010)
6. Atomic - Theater Tilters (Jazzland, 2010)
7. Ralph Alessi - Cognitive Dissonance (Cam Jazz, 2010)
8. Jason Moran - Ten (Blue Note)
9. Lisa Mezzacappa/Bait & Switch - What Is Known (Clean Feed, 2010)
10. Tomas Fuliwara & The Hookup - Actionspeak (482 music, 2010)
11 Fats Waller - The Last Years 1940-1943 (Bluebird, 1989)
12. Nels Cline Singers - Initiate (Cryptogramophone, 2010)
Readings:
1. War - Sabastian Junger

2. The Girl Who Kicked The Hornets Nest - Stieg Larsson

3. The Jazz Ear - Ben Ratliff

4. The Forsaken - Tim Tzouliadis

5. Thelonious Monk - Robin Kelley

6. Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter - Seth Grahame-Smith

7. Let The Great World Spin - Colum McCann

8. Sunnyside - Glen David Gold

9. Await You Reply - Dan Choan

10. Invisible - Paul Auster

Don't you hate it when life intrudes on your race weekend?

2010-09-07T12:12:00.002-04:00

My last race of the year, ALEXANDRIA and I hadn't even considered it all week because of work. Night before, I dragged myself home from a hell week. Well, there's racing tomorrow. But my mind was elsewhere, as was most of my TEAM. Vacations, kids back college, the honeydew lists, sloth, slowness, and the consumption of buttered rolls kept our team to just three. Well, Chairman Fred and myself, plus THE IP, that's "The International Playboy" Ted Pablo - who is not even on our team until next year...extra points for THE IP

Back to the race: At the start NO TED. Here he comes, 2 hour drive from Cleveland and he arrives AFTER the scheduled start. Boys boys, please let this man dress and line up proper. Thank you

First lap, and if you've raced the Welsh Hills you know there is a screaming downhill into a mean left turn. Fred and I previewed it in warm up. THE IP didn't. We also saw that there was plenty of gravel in the downhill roadway....none of which IP saw. I tried to tell him about the downhill as we neared...but

My next task was to convince the leaders to sit up and wait for the guy who drove 2 hours only to crash on the first lap. They agreed, Fred dropped back to pace him back into the race, as I chatted about how the Tour de France would have been different if Alberto had only waited for Andy...la-dee-da.

The race progressed and I kept thinking about work. Damn, I have to remember to copy this file and transcribe that conversation. Halfway through the race and I sat up. Just sat up and pulled over. Who was I kidding, my heart wasn't in it.

...and the season ends with a whimper.

You are so beautiful you should be guarded by monkeys

2010-08-30T19:45:00.000-04:00

I am accepting submissions/nominations for the year end Beehive Books/ Breakaway/ A World of Pain cycling awards 2010. Email them directly to me: corroto@earthlink.net or write them on a $20 bill, tie the bank note to a rock and toss into my backyard.

2010 Canadian-American Games

2010-08-21T18:32:00.005-04:00

I participated in the Canadian-American Police-Fire games this past week and it was very cool, but let me tell you it is kind of odd racing without any teammates. Here's the short story:

Thursday night was the crit in Dublin, Same course I broke my shoulder five years ago. Gulp....We had 17 in my Master's race. Majority team there was Chicago Firemen and some guys that never raced crits. So, I did what Chairman Fred would do, sprinted from the gun and led most of the race. I felt pretty good, breaking some legs on that short steep uphill. After 1 lap to go was called I jumped right after turn two, hit turn three with a gap and no one followed me up the last climb, there was to be no sprint for 1st. Gold for Pantani. Podium questions were about exorcising the Ghost of the collarbone.

Friday Night was street sprints. The course was 500 meters long (built with Farmer John in mind) with competitors required to maintain lanes for 250. Kind of strange racing, because 500 meters is too far to sprint and breaking from lanes at 250 doesn’t allow for drafting, so it was pure power then almost coasting to the line. It is however a great spectator sport, with guys cranking like madmen for less than a minute. I finished third, and of all the events, this hurt my legs the most. I’m guessing I have to work on my above-threshold riding.

Saturday was a road race in Zanesfield, where we have raced before, except the course hit a steep and long climb a half mile from the start. I think we had 20 racers today, and all but 6 were blown out on the first climb. Round we go and I get pipped at the line by the Ramon Colon, a cop from Wash. DC who beat me in every heat Friday night in the sprints.

So I finished with Gold, Silver, and Bronze, and had a great time.

Abbey Scores a Lake Hope Podium

2010-08-07T14:19:00.001-04:00

Hey, even the women on A World of Pain cycling can kick your ass. Yeah, I'm talking to you Mr. Couch Potato-head. Abbey Trimble podiums in her very first race! She's out training while you are surfing the internet. Shame.

Garrett Wonders Weekend

2010-08-01T15:48:00.002-04:00

Friday and Saturday included racing in the 7th annual Garrett Wonders race, this year expanded from the downtown Westerville crit to an Ohio Statehouse four corner with a cobbled climb. Yes sir, the Pain-meisters in attendance included Cadillac George, Dave “I Am Curious Yellow” Chambers,” and Marco Pantani for the masters race (along with some Cat. 1 who had once rode the Olympic trials), Farmer John in the 3/4, and Dan ”man o’ God,” and Brian O! Finishing his career as a Cat. 5.

Where were you? Just fill in the blank, “I did not have________________, today”

Here’s the poop, short and sweet, They do a fantastic job with these events. Volunteers and more volunteers, closed well swept roads, and enthusiastic fans. Always a pleasure to race in those conditions.

The masters race Saturday in Westerville was all about chasing the Olympian (no one could) then holding on for some prize money. I did both and 7th place finish. Cha-ching No. 1.

Sunday’s race could turn into a future classic course with a trip up Town Street that is paved, European-style, with those small mis-shapened cobbles. Without an appearance by Mr. Olympian, da Godfather and I had to just follow the moves of Chris Grisvard and Uncle Fester.

But sometimes you follow the wrong wheel. Neither of those two won, it was this guy from Stark Velo that I chased up the climb every lap (well, a couple times he followed me), rattling several tooth filings loose.

This was to be a 5th place finish and another check for both Conti and me. Cha-ching No. 2. Hey, I love racing for free.

You ask Farmer John about his yearly big race crash, no way I'm putting myself in that imbroglio. Also ask Brian O! about his tough as nails cobbles race, kinda like a little Fabian Cancellara.

And a big thank you to all the World O' Pain fans that turned out this weekend

Congratulations to Team Type 1 RAAM Winner Tom Kingery

2010-07-28T08:53:00.002-04:00

Did you know that three time champion of the Race Across America, Tom Kingery is one of us? Pictured here (standing just to the right of Chairman Fred - who never makes eye contact with another champion) is the Ironman triathlete/type 1 diabetic and a 3 time winner of RAAM. Yep, three time champion. Who knew? Maybe the jersey gave it way, that and his ability to pull a pack of riders at 28mph for nearly an hour might have been a hint.

Last night was his first night back training with his fellow World of Pain riders after his five day, ten hour and 48 minute odyssey over the 3,005-mile course that runs from Calififornia to Maryland. read about it here.

http://www.teamtype1.org/news_stories/show/74>

Welcome back Tom, now can you slow down a bit?

Support Your Favorite Team...and drink, drink, drink.

2010-07-21T19:33:00.000-04:00

Summer cycling heat getting you down? You just finished a tuesday night hammerfest and, well you just didn't get enough World of Pain? You're in luck, because now you can enjoy your favorite beverage in a 16oz American made pint glass and support your favorite cycling team in the process.

Available at Beehive Books, 25 N Sandusky Street, Delaware, OH 43015

the cost is just $6.50 per pint or a set of 4 for $25.

Your favorite beer included (check your refrigerator, I'm sure there's a cold one in there somewhere)

We Are The Champions, My Friends

2010-07-17T17:49:00.002-04:00

A great day for your heroes on A World of Pain Cycling Team (not "a WOP," as Conti registered his race). Today was the Ohio State Criterium Championships. We delivered 4 racers to the start. Chairmen Fred, Cadillac George, Farmer John, and myself.

While my race was truly forgettable. All three of my teammates made the podium. John Price is the Cat. 4 champion, winning a Tissot watch and lots of cash. Fred Parks and George Conti Finish 1 and 2 respectively in the Masters 55-59 category.

Way to go boys...indeed, that was PAINLESS....

Tour of The Valley

2010-07-13T12:05:00.000-04:00

As race reports go, this one will be brief. Not that there wasn’t quite a lot to tell you about the three day of racing in Youngstown, Ohio, it’s just that the results were slim.

This race is just in its second year and it has the potential to be a great race. The event is run quite well and has many happy/helpful volunteers. Question: why volunteer for our local Columbus races and then act like a wanker? Only criticism was the high (higher than normal) entry fees.

The Godfather and I signed up for the omnium (forget spell checker, it means all three races). Friday night was to be a 9 mile time trial. We drove all day through pouring rains, never thinking to bring a turbo trainer to warm up on. Needless to say, I wasn’t about to warm up in a downpour, so I raced ‘old school’ flicked my cigarette out and whispered “avanti” as a heard the countdown , “5, 4, 3, 2, 1…” Conti went old school too, Laurant Fignon- style, traditional bike, while others sported Greg Lemond-inspired solid disc wheels, aero helmets, and real TT bikes. Conti flats right outta the start house (lucky bastard) and I have to endure 26 minutes of rain, and emolument-cover aero-racers passing me.

Saturday was a 33 mile road race, we were joined by Dave "Marilyn" Chambers and Dan Rhule(s)! When we line up the skies had cleared BUT the turnout was quite low. Where was everyone? We soon learned that participants from year 1 opted out of what might have been the toughest course of the 2010 road schedule. There was a 2 mile climb at 10-12% that destroyed the field, even half the cat. 1 / 2 field dropped out. (note to self: skip RR next year)

Sunday was criterium in downtown, it was flat, fast (we avg. 25.5 mph) and fun. I figured, I finished 15th about 40 yards behind the winner.

Chairman Fred "Socks Night" Called A Success!

2010-06-29T21:33:00.001-04:00

When interviewed by a local news organization, Chairman Fred Parks was at first skeptical about the "Socks Night" celebration at the start of the tuesday night's Rip You Legs Off ride.

But after closer inspection of the stockings, he did indeed recognize himself (actually, a younger version of himself) in the hosiery. Team World O' Pain commissioned the foot coverings as part of the year long celebration of its team members. Starting first with Parks who was racing bicycles way back in the days of toe-clips, leather chamois, and wooden rims.

Grandview Classic

2010-06-27T09:37:00.001-04:00

Darkness On The Edge of Grandview

(apologies to Bruce Springsteen)

They're still racing out at Roubaix,

But that blood it never burned in her veins,

Now I hear she's got a house up in Dublin,

And a style she's trying to maintain.

Well, if she wants to see me,

You can tell her that I'm easily found,

Tell her there's a spot out 'neath Radnor's Bridge,

And tell her, there's a darkness on the edge of town.

Everybody's got a secret, FLOYD,

Something that they just can't face,

Some folks spend their whole lives trying to keep it,

They carry EPO with them every step that they take.

Till someday they just cut it loose

Cut it loose or let it drag 'em down,

Where no one asks any questions,

or looks too long in your headset,

In the darkness on the edge of town.

Some folks are born into a good cadence,

Other folks get it anyway, anyhow,

I lost my musette and I lost my bottle,

Them things don't seem to matter much to me now.

Today I'll be on that hill 'cause I can't stop,

I'll be on that hill with everything I got,

Lives on the line where dreams are found and lost,

I'll be there on time and I'll pay the cost,

For wanting things that can only be found

In the darkness on the edge of town.

Congratulations to John Price - 4th in the Cat. 4

and Brian O'Hara - 4th in the Cat. 5

Dave Chamber and I are still wondering what happened?

Worthington Classic: Your Buddha Style Was Flavor or I Love It When A Deal Comes Together

2010-06-21T08:48:00.001-04:00

One day after the Peckerhead (need I say you shoulda been there?) and we were racing at Worthington. One of the best courses in Central Ohio - safe closed roads, neighborhood parties and folks who actually cheer for the racers. Lined up for the geezers race are The Chairman, The Godfatha', World War Z, Farmer J, and me - Pantani. The main competition was a couple Team Dayton sprinters. I am not saying that the Fat Stuey Hunter Roll: sponsorship didn't motivate us to beat on them like red headed step children, but it didn't hurt.

Thank you course marshalls Mel & Keith and supporters, Amy, Butcher, Ben, & Abby.

15 laps scheduled and everyone knew that we couldn't take these boys to the finish or the results might not be in our favor. George called for attack after attack on the backside hill to soften them up. Conti went (er, um...well after we suggested that our own guys shouldn't chase down Da' Godfatha) he went again, The Dayton boys gave chase. We followed. Later there was more schooling that we should attack on the hill going 'up' not the hill going 'down.' Check please!

I went, John went again, then Fred went, then Conti (kinda sounds like the pre-race ritual in the men's room?) Hey, we're masters racers and the prostate ain't what it used to be.

Finally Farmer John, who has been lifting hogs since they were lil' piglets, attacked (yep, got it right on the uphill) and the chasers couldn't chase. Soon he is outta sight. A couple laps later Fred goes, no reaction. So with 5 to go I take off. Three solo breaks. Fred never caught John and I never caught Fred. 1-2-3. Bingo. Deal done. thank you very much. Z finishes off the pack sprint with flair. Bam.

See you next week.

Again With The State Road Race

2010-06-13T18:27:00.000-04:00

It was a hot, no a HOT RR Championship today at Caesar's Creek. How hot? You ask. Well, let's see I drank a bottle of water on the drive down, 3 more during the 52 mile race (and poured 1 over my head), then a coke, a recovery bottle and a finally a bottle on the ride home and still the bathroom scale said I was down 5 pounds from the am.

Team World O' Pain was down to a Skeleton Crew, Farmer John, Brian O! and Pantani today. Everyone else was congratulating grads or preparing their PECKERS for next weekend. Also in attendance was The Iowa Kid and Dr. 4% from our sister AWOP crew

The NEW course was a bit different from the old course, but had the same elevation change, the climb was just in two parts of pain instead of one. Big deal, I still could use a bailout, Wall Street style.

Round and round the Pirate Farmer John and I go in the Cat. 4 race. And everything is fine until i get caught behind a guy that drops his chain on the 3rd climb. I have to stop, put my foot down and, of course the peloton spins away, never to be caught.

So there I was doing the solo cha-cha for the last lap, I come up upon a couple riders who are content to spin in, one sez "I'm whipped, I cannot do any work." So two of us trade off pulling this hot dog around a full lap. Back to the last climb and the wiener decides to drop us! What? you were too exhausted to do any work. Son of a...We have to chase this RED HOT down.

We give chase and while I was shifting to the big ring, I send my chain over the ring, locking my pedals and damn, crashing.I was awarded the bumper sticker that reads "I CRASHED SUPER FAST".

Back up and I just spin to the finish, no worse for the experience, a little grass stain, but I'll live. There's plenty of races left this year.

Thanks to Mel for the water hand ups today.

Danville State RR Championship

2010-06-05T19:04:00.005-04:00

I know what you're thinking, but no, Fat Stuart from Roll wasn't in attendence at the State RR in Danville today. You might have thought he was there because the heavy rains in the morning brought so much manure and horse shit on the roads that it reminded us of his 'team building' emails.

The race saw fewer participants because of the threatening skies, the high humidity and probably the hills. Lots of climbing were in store. Tym shorterned the course from past RR championships, cutting out the boring flat parts and leaving us with 8 laps of up and down.

Short take here: I got blown out early in the race and thought it might be my worst race of the year. I finished solo, covered in Stuart, shit, and mud. After downloading my powertap numbers, I saw that I recorded personel bests for 1 minute, 5 minute, 15 minute, and 20 minute output of watts. And I still got dropped.

Something to think about....hmmm.

Mid-Ohio, the second time around.

2010-05-30T17:03:00.011-04:00

So maybe you don't know the lyrics to the Sammy Cahn/Jimmy Van Heusen song THE SECOND TIME AROUND made famous by Francis Albert himself. Read below:

Love is lovelier the second time around
Just as wonderful with both feet on the ground
It's that second time you hear your love song sung
Makes you think perhaps that love, like youth, is wasted on the young

Love's more comfortable the second time you fall
Like a friendly home the second time you call
Who can say what brought us to this miracle we've found?
There are those who'll bet love comes but once, and yet
I'm oh, so glad we met the second time around

Who can say what brought us to this miracle we've found?
There are those who'll bet love comes but once, and yet

I'm oh, so glad we met the second time around

______________________________________________

I'm sure your wondering what this all has to do with a bike race at the Mid-Ohio motor car course. Well, nothing and everything. You see this was team AWOPs second race this year there and World War Z's second race, and my second chance to beat Farmer John (also know known as Lil' Evander Holyfield) in a one up sprint.

The call went out for racers and as I said above WWZ was there along with Chairman Fred, George "a million tiny pieces" Conti, Marilyn Chambers, Brian O!, and Marco Pantani. We met Mighty Scott "Titanium Young" and were supported by Tri-Amy and Beer Meister Keith.

Where were you? We have an nice selection of beers for the supporters and any racer that could beat us on the track. Well, a few that beat Brian might no have been old enough to drink.

Frank said it best, "Makes you think perhaps that love, like youth, is wasted on the young," not Scott Young but young racers. The biggest field here was the Masters race. Even though I raced with Farmer John, my 50+ was being scored separately from his 40+. Ha!

Round and round we go, the spinning wounded. John with half and ear, Fred with a sore back, Conti suffering without his weekly EPO dosage (sorry, micro-dose), and Chambers still jet lagged. Maybe that is why we couldn't hang onto the 2 whippersnappers that made the break. Oh well, at least none of them were in the 50+ race.

You know how this goes - came down to a sprint and I was tucked neatly on the farmhand's right hip. He jumps as he always does, WAY TOO EARLY. I hang on and now ALL I HAVE TO DO IS COME AROUND HIM....ahhhhh, I c-a-n-n-o-t g-a-i-n a-n-y ground. Damn, lost the sprint, but won the 50+ plus race, again...

Well, next race I might use the Sinatra method and have my body guards do a bit of composting on the Farmer's legs before the start....

Best Reads and Listens 2010, so far...

2010-05-27T06:45:00.004-04:00

Listening to:

1. Bryan And The Haggards - Pretend It’s The End Of The World (Hot Cup) - Is it a jazz country album or a country jazz record?

2. The Mark Lomax Trio (with Eddie Bayard) - The State Of Black America (Inahyme) Coltrane reborn

3. The Claudia Quintet - Royal Toast (Cuneiform) Brilliance from John Hollenbeck

4. Zorn/Lewis/Frisell - More news For Lulu (Hatology) Remastered from the 1980s - Die Wynton die!

5. Vandermark/Nilssen-Love/Ex Guitars - Lean Left Vol. 1 (Smalltown Jazz) Noise marvelous Noise

6. Bernardo Sassetti Trio - Motion (Clean Feed) Might be my favorite new pianist

7. Mose Allison - The Way Of The World (Anti-) A nearly perfect recording

Reading, no read:

1. The Girl Who Kicked The Honets Nest - Stieg Larsson

2. Nelly’s Version - Eve Figes

3. Cold - Bill Streever

4. The Homecoming Party - Carmine Abate

5. Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter - Seth Grahame-Smith

6. Let The Great World Spin - Colum McCann

7. Beatrice And Virgil - Yann Martel

8. Sunnyside - Glen David Gold

9. Solar - Ian McKewan

10. Bike Snob - Bike Snob NYC

11. Nixonland - Rick Perlstein

What it felt like for 42 miles @ the Bond Road Race in Harrison, Ohio

2010-05-16T21:28:00.003-04:00

All I need was a resurrected Howard Cosell screaming into the microphone, "Down goes Frazier, down goes Frazier!" Me playing the role of Philly's own Smokin' Joe Frazier. Congrats to Brian O! and Mr. 4%, regrets to The Godfather, Iowa and boxing fans everywhere...

Night of The Living Dead

2010-04-18T08:39:00.006-04:00

Let's get one thing straight, you HAVE to destroy the brain of a zombie to actually kill it. Everyone knows that. Except the Norwegians (more about that later). Only 15 brave souls lined up at Mohican State Park lodge for the first ever race in them there parts. Maybe it was the Race @ The Lakes that morning in Akron, or the OVR series that would happen Sunday that was the reason for the low turnout. Maybe it was the temperatures in the low 4os with a blowing 20 mile/hr winds or the course (great course) with 1,200 feet of climbing each lap, that kept people away. Only 15......

I think it might have been the legend of the walking dead in the woods that scared off the racers.

I brought a long sleeve baselayer, a short sleeve one, plus a wind-stopper baselayer. Also shoe covers and wind blocker shoe covers, so I could decide which to wear at the car. I chose to wear them ALL, 3 baselayers, shoe covers and shoe covers over my shoe covers, and two skullcaps. The undead don't worry about the cold - their dead. I was barely live.

Lining up for A WORLD OF PAIN were Brian O!, Chairman Fred, Jaybone, and Pantani. the race was 3 times around, 30+ miles and 3,600 feet of up, up, up. The masters included Titanium him Mighty Scott Young and Mountain goat Mitch.

I won't bore you with the details, I missed the break of 6 riders and spent the day chasing or being chased by Mighty Scott up and down all day. We did though discuss the Norwegian zombie movie DEAD SNOW which is in typical horror flick format: student go to remote cabin and of course those that sneak off for the sexy-sexy are devoured. The killers are Nazi soldiers from WWII that froze to death in the mountains. No explanation as to how they became the living dead. AND here's the film flaw, they were easily killed with chainsaws and machine guns (right, the students found an arsenal), and swords. But none of that killing required destroying zombie brains! Scott argued the Germans were a hybrid zombie/science experiment, that's why they were easily killed. I'm wasn't sure, because the Nazis not only could run (ha! everyone knows Zs are slow leg dragging creatures) but they lusted after gold. Gold! comon' when was accumulation of riches the motivation for the dead?

Brian O! did make the break (with another poseur cat. 5) and hung on for 1st. Scott and I were dropped last time up the 1.5 mile climb by Mitch, and I out-sprinted Scott for 2nd in 50+. Well sprint wasn't the word for it. The finish was up a steep pitch that I couldn't turn in the big chainring. It was more like a slow (maybe undead) crawl to the finish.

onward.

Does Tym Tyler take AARP discount cards?

2010-04-03T21:17:00.011-04:00

Lately, I'm getting letters from AARP, the American Association of Retired Persons, asking me to join. Certainly there must be a mistake, I'm not retired and I'm not old. I do find that I enjoy the vitamins and fiber that can be found in prunes, but that's more a health thing. Nonetheless, I'm not joining. I already am a member of too many associations, the Amateur River-Wideners Club, Sock Monkeys of America, Butch's Pink Paraders, Democracy For The Lactose Intolerant, etc...

First race of the year for me. I know, I know it's already April, but I'm on the Chairman Fred training plan this year. I've even been practicing my Fred race talk, "SLOW DOWN ON THE HILLS, GIVE US FAT BOYS A CHANCE TO SEE THE FINISH." Fred always gets riders to wait for him on the uphills, then crushes them in the sprint. Enough about Fred, because he didn't show up at Mid-OH race track for what has become my favorite race. To tell the truth, we all were thinking of not showing up yesterday with winds at a steady 20 mph gusting to 36. That's right a steady 20mph. So windy, I changed from the deep profile race wheels to my regular set.

It was so windy. "How windy was it?" It was so windy the favorite sport in the parking lot was watching unattended 15 pound race bikes get blown down then blown from one end to the other.

The beautiful upper 70s temp began to drop with the wind and weather front that blew in, race time found us with mid-50s. yes, cold, windy, and spitting rain. Yes, goose bumps were raised....

The brave World of Pain crew included, Cadillac George (wearing a matching Spartans jersey & socks costume), Brian O!, Scott Ona, Farmer John (singing 'farmer takes a wife, the farmer takes a wife, hi-ho the deli-ho, the farmer takes a wife'), Dan-man-o-God, and Z. Sorry Z that your first race had to be in such stupid conditions.

20 guys in the MASTER'S race. No, not the the MASTER RACE, as in "Adolf get me some gypsies and Jews were having a BBQ." A race of masters, older than 40. Of which Farmer John is now 40 - will he ever not ruin a good field for me? John, 40 in farm years is actually 30 and since I work at a desk, 50 is more like 60. Get outta my races!

It is so windy, (forget the how windy jokes) that no one can escape up the frontside climb, even though one guy tried about every other lap. We go round and round losing a few here and there. Fast forward to the last lap, and 3 guys get a gap that no one wants to close until Conti shames us all into working. George did a 3/4 lap classic pull (he's back!) to bring pull 1 of the 3 escapees. We round the last turn and Farmboy does his classic afterburner sprint (I tried to get on that wheel) for 3rd. I was swarmed by 4 guys but able to come around them for 4th.

The best part was the results list where I find out that the Masters was scored 40+ and 50+. Seems that my fourth was actually 1st in 50+ Masters. Just the kind of shenanigans Chairman Fred has been working for years now. Thank you Fred and thank you AARP....

First Ride W/O Knee Warmers

2010-04-02T10:22:00.004-04:00

Yes, it was the 1st proper THURSDAY NITE RIDE from BEEHIVE BOOKS last night. Great to see such a large peloton, I guess I actually missed seeing Gus' butt crack when the sun hits him at just the right angle. It was a long long winter, but viola - here we are. Thursdays are cool because the speed of 18 mph (until the crazies race up the final climb) allows for friendly chatter and last night I got to meet some new riders.

Thursdays also remind me of where I once was (barely hanging on) and where I aspire to be - that's easy to do when you get a chance to spin with a cat. 2 racer who is out for a recovery ride, and watch how quiet his upper body is while his legs naturally spin at 100 rpm.

And with 8 more month until the time changes, there will be plenty of THURSDAYS to lather, rinse, and repeat.

Okay, let's end this constant training...time to race.

2010-03-27T17:32:00.004-04:00

Hang the turbo trainer up in the garage, bring your legs, some beer, girls in skimpy bikinis, make mine gluten-free (the beer not the cha-chas), cuz we are racing on the Mid-Ohio race course this week.

My God is one Cruel God

2010-03-24T11:11:00.003-04:00

Two weeks of testing (so far) reveal that the physical problems I experienced in late 2009 and all of 2010 probably are related to a food allergy. Gluten to be specific. Doctors tell me that the June dog/bike collision might have initiated this reaction to wheat and wheat by-products. The way it works is that my body's response to the protean gluten in wheat causes all the little 'bumps' and 'hairs" in my digestive tract to die and then I cannot absorb the nutrients in food, vitamins, EPO, HGH, Testosterine, etc. The harder I worked, the more muscle I tore up (without it being able to repair itself) the weaker I became and the slower on the bike.

By late fall last year, I was getting smoked in the sprints by women, small children and Butch.

Good news, my abstinance from wheat - AND YOUR GODDAMM RIGHT - (no more Belgian beers and my sacramental pasta dishes) renewed my strength and spirits. Bad news, I'm only about 4 months of training behind you knuckleheads.

Don't look behind - I'm gaining on you....

1st Team Ride of the Year

2010-03-17T10:17:00.004-04:00

A few observations from Tuesday night:
-We have to change the term "off season" because some of us think it actually is the "eat offten" season or "drink more offten" season
-Conti has been secretly training, or he's doping.
-Looks like Butch has gotten rid of all the PINK in his wardrobe for 2010.
-the new team kit looks better than expected.
-Even though Farmer John wasn't there, did you notice his organics were quite strong on Warrensburg last night.
-When I grow up I think I'd rather be Dave Bernon than Chairman Fred.
-It's a long season, plan to get stronger, faster, and please clean your chain.

USA Cycling adopts Olympic rules

2010-02-28T18:42:00.001-05:00

USA Cycling announced today new criteria for the 2010 racing season. With the popularity of the Winter Olympics at an all time high, winners of races will be determined not only by who crosses the finish line first, but a sum total of placement AND the judges scoring of both costume and music chosen by each racer. In effect style points will count for 2010. USA Cycling considered adding a category for 'tricks' or rider stunts, but rejected it after assessing possible increases in the health care bills it now pays out for injuries due to crashes.

__._,_.___

It is better to look good, than to ride good

2010-02-11T20:25:00.002-05:00

The Matrka/Conti quote of the week

2010-02-01T14:19:00.002-05:00

"You cannot fall halfway"

Winter Break

2010-01-24T20:14:00.002-05:00

Saturday found temps near 50 and Chairman Fred and I met Cadillac George and Iowa Josh on the road for a few hours of riding. With only five weeks to go before the first road race, I'm thinking there is plenty of work to be done before our world domination plan is revealed....

Birthday and New Year's Resolutions

2010-01-02T11:47:00.004-05:00

No bread, no Roll(s), no fat Stew - got to fight the big boys again this year

Quote of the Week

2009-12-29T16:18:00.003-05:00

Pain's nothing. Pain's what you give, not what you get.

-from Let The Great World Spin by Colum McCann

Thanks Santa

2009-12-23T20:45:00.003-05:00

Top this one

2009-12-15T13:02:00.005-05:00

Last week, while riding, I was cut-off by a driver on a cell phone. She turned right in front of me. While braking, I looked up to see the cell phone in her right hand (at her ear) and in her left hand (the one that was steering) she had a cigarette and a cup of coffee! If she had seen me, I'm sure she would have been shocked, enough so that she would have certainly had to text someone...

2010 Team Kit...Ta-Da!

2009-11-30T19:23:00.004-05:00

Training with the flu haikus

2009-11-05T08:48:00.001-05:00

Symptoms of the flu

Request to wife, please kill me

Declined, son-of-a...

November one, begin

Weight-loss from diarrhea

Can’t wait for step two...

Your Cycling Talents....

2009-10-09T15:09:00.007-04:00

"Talent must be a fanatical mistress. She's beautiful; when you're with her, people watch you, they notice. But she bangs on you door at odd hours, and she disappears for long stretches, and she has no patience for the rest of your existence: your wife, your children, your friends. She is the most thrilling evening of your week, but some day she will leave you for good. One night after she's gone for years, you will see her on the arm of a younger man, and she will pretend not to recognize you."

From the book CITY OF THIEVES by David Benioff

Quote of the day

2009-09-29T15:54:00.001-04:00

"This is a very complicated case, Maude. You know, a lotta ins, lotta outs, lotta what-have-yous. And, uh, lotta strands to keep in my head, man. Lotta strands in old Duder's head."
-Jeffrey Lebowski

Outta the water, there's a landshark in the pool

2009-09-12T22:06:00.007-04:00

Like seeing a yeti, or messing with bigfoot. I was out on a nice saturday afternoon ride

we heard that dah dum........dah dum......... dah dum, dah dum, dah dum, dah dum, dah dum....

Nope not a shark, or Loch Nessie, it was the return of da' Godfather. Folks he's out there, tanned and training.

Best Music of 2009 (so far, that is...)

2009-09-07T18:53:00.004-04:00

JD Allen - Shine! (Sunnyside)

Han Bennink - Monk (Gramercy Park)

Josh Berman - Old Idea (Delmark)

James Falzone - Tea Music (AllosDocuments)

Enzo Favata - The New Village (il Manifesto)

Dennis González - Renegade Spirits (Furthermore)

Jon Hassell - Last Night The Moon Came Dropping Its Clothes In The Street (ECM)

Herculaneum - III (Clean Feed)

Fred Hersch/Pocket Orchestra - Live At The Jazz Standard (Palmetto)

Jim Hobbs/The Fully Celebrated - Drunk On The Blood Of The Holy Ones (AUM)

Jon Irabagon /Mike Pride - I Don’t Hear Nothin’ But The Blues (Loyal Label)

Jonas Kullhammar/Osgood/Vågan - Andratx Live (Moserobie)

Joe Lovano/Us Five - Folk Art (Blue Note)

Tony Malaby - Paloma Recio (New World)

Nicole Mitchell's Black Earth Strings - Renegades (Delmark)

Joe Morris - Wildlife (AUM)

John Patitucci - Rememberance (Concord)

Bobby Selvaggio - Modern Times (Arabesque)

Andy Sheppard - Movements In Colour (ECM)

Ted Sirota/Rebel Souls - Seize The Time (NAIM)

Tyshawn Sorey - Koan (482 Music)

Fly - Sky & Country (ECM)

Vandermark/Guy/Sanders - Fox Fire (Maya)

Additional award...2009

2009-09-04T19:45:00.003-04:00

Best thing Fred did all year:

thanks Phyllis

2009 Cycling Awards

2009-08-30T17:32:00.030-04:00

After much thought and several rounds of brew the committee is proud to announce the following winners:

Most improved rider (and he knows it too!):

Z-man

Riders who train double super-secret, so much that we didn’t see them all year: Pascale and Jim Burkhart.

Riders too nice to leave you for dead on a Tuesday night:

Bruce Pij and Dale Swartz.

Best Crash in a race (not including warmup): Cadillac George, award presented by Mike Matrka the winner of the best crash 2008 .

Best crash in a non-racing setting: Fred Parks

Best target to hit in a non-racing situation: Chairman Fred for hitting the only guy riding a fixie on a Thursday ride

Cyclist whose bike makes more noise than their body: Marco Pantani

Cyclist who couldn't find the washing machine cuz it is in storage: Dave Ames

Rider most likely to chase down any AND ALL breakaways:

. Dave Chambers

Rider voted as director for any ‘tour of the whine’ country: Amy McNeal.

Rider most likely NOT to upgrade again in 2010: Farmer John

Rider most likely to ride a bike wearing kevlar and a gun:

Bob Hatcher

Best road racer that show up for just 1 race per year: (tie) Mike Rea and Jay Allred.

Riders most likely to need a nature break five minutes into a ride: Tom Will and Dan Tinderholt

Rider most likely to be mistaken for a sausage casing: (winner 2 years running):

Stuart Hunter

cyclist who made the greatest leap forward towards new technology: Frank Seebode (who left steel bikes and 7-speed downtube shifting behind).

Cyclist most likely to show a little cheek: Gus Comstock

The fireman award to the cyclist(s) most aware of the fire up the road:
Tom Will & Scott-on-a-Scott
The Mario Andretti award for the cyclist who most unnecessarily pushes the pace: Scott-on-a-Scott

The 'Where's Waldo ' award 2009 goes to: Jeff 'Nacho' Jackson

Rider who didn’t get the memo about last years kit: Dave Bernon

Cyclist who is least likely to have the proper tool to fix a roadside mechanical: Butch (though he does get bonus points for helping the cute chick in distress on that one thursday ride out by Ostrander)

The reason Tom Will had to retire from his teaching position

Rider(s) who have pledged never to be seen wearing our team colors again:

Iowa Josh and Dan Rhule

2009 Cycling Awards Coming soon...

2009-08-21T16:50:00.003-04:00

Prepare yourself. The commitee has met, soon you can see who won what, and more importantly, who lost when...stay tuned for details.

King of the Mountains

2009-07-25T14:42:00.004-04:00

Mel says her words to Franco Pellizotti inspired him to reach for the polka dots this year...yeah, right, I'm thinking he challenged her to a hairdo competition and Mel declined...

Update on the Godfather

2009-07-21T05:18:00.005-04:00

Monday night and the boss is still in OSU hospital. (see story below for the crash report) We paid him a visit right after the young scrubs comedy team had inserted a chest tube. Apparently they were out of the small gauge tubing so they made due with the large rigatoni size. And all was going well as George explained the "cut between ribs and shove, push, gimme some leverage here..." procedure until Mel saw the tube and the container that collects the liquid. She didn't quite pass out, but the knees got weak and a chair was needed. Score: 2 points for Conti. We were joined by Mike Rea and Dan Tinderholt and I understand coach Tom Izzo was in earlier.

George will probably be in for a few more days and he is suffering without the Versus channel. So if you are watching the Tour de France and someone crashes, be the first caller to George's room and win a pair of Beehive socks.

The good news is that with the absence of our gimpy friend, the tuesday night rides are guaranteed to start at 6pm sharp.

Note: if you are watching a rebroadcast of the race at 3am, please don't call.

George Conti's World of Pain

2009-07-19T10:37:00.004-04:00

Cadillac George and I were discussing next year’s team kit yesterday, and of course the possibilities of new colors, sponsors, and design were part of the talk. We both like the idea of a mascot like the cow we had a few years ago or icon. Something to make our presence memorable.

For a team like “A World Of Pain” the obvious Big Lebowski reference of ‘the dude’ might be nice. But after yesterday, I’m thinking we just take Conti’s X-rays and use them for our logo. You’ve heard about the masters race yesterday by now, Conti makes the break staying away the last 10 out of a total 12 laps with the eventual winner. After lapping a bonehead Dayton rider (anyone want to remind us what fat bastard lying Scotsman is now Team Dayton’s sponsor?) who had no business getting into the sprint to the finish, George got tangled up with him after he lost control of his bike (Dayton, not George). I came around the wreck on my way to the finish, saw my paisan and just stopped pedaling. He was getting the neck brace, back board, had one shoe on - one off, and plenty of road rash.

Not a pretty sight.

I collected shoes, my bike, his helmet, glasses, his twisted bike (not the new Torelli - lucky call there), wheels (and I didn’t learn until I got home someone else‘s wheels) and drove to the hospital.

Here’s the AWOP part, since we drove 2 cars, the discussion at the ER was whether George was going to get pain meds. Because if he was to get the meds, he couldn’t drive home and we would have to come back later and pick up his car. George diagnosed himself as having a broken collarbone. His fourth! 1-2-3-FOUR!, yeah, you have two collarbones, and I think he now has 2 breaks each side. Routine x-rays were taken and after about 2 hours got the results. Conti keeps telling the nurse or doctors the pain isn’t bad. We talked about next year and the team, training, how soon he was back on his bike after the other breaks. At this point, the plan was a sling and we go watch Andy race.

The doctor comes back in with with the film and an odd look on his face. He can hardly believe Conti has 6 broken ribs, the collarbone, and a broken scapula. Doc says he has never really seen someone who had these injuries and no complaints. Real Tyler Hamilton (ride with a broken collarbone) stuff here. Boing! No really boing. He has to be taken to OSU hospital for trauma care and possibly surgery. Room 1010 Rhodes Tower.

And he keeps telling the nurse or doctors the pain isn’t bad. “Sure” they say as they give him his first injection of morphine, just like this in some bad Vietnam flick. OK, everybody go into their own personal Walter Sobchak imitation, I’m thinking, “Has the whole world gone crazy? Am I the only one around here who gives a shit about the rules? Mark it zero! ,” or “Fuck the tournament? All right, I can see you don't want to be cheered up here, Dude. Come on Donny, let's go get us a lane.”

My point is, that I am nominating Conti’s image for our World of Pain team kit 2010. It was going to be Matrka’s punctured lung, or a dog running into the road. But now I’m thinking we should talk about George’s face printed on our shorts so that when riders follow us they see, not our asses, but George’s face.

Maybe that didn’t come out quite right...

Asheville = Smashville

2009-07-10T17:53:00.022-04:00

Maybe it was the beers from the night before, or maybe it was the vicious attack right out of the parking lot by Mel, but your heroes from A World of Pain were indeed in the spin cycle of hurt on the last official day of riding on the Blue Ridge Parkway.
That's her, Mrs. "Suitcase of Courage" herself, descends as they say, "like a rock."
The ride started like every other with some trash talk and flexing of the big guns. We were supposed to cover some big elevation changes, possibly go through a couple of storms and end up back at the parking lot.
Andy said something about "taking it easy and skipping the BIG climbs." Yep, that did it, Mel called us names and rode out of the lot before Tom could get any chamois creme in place, she was yelling something in French. Mike had studied Spanish in high school, but thought she was saying something about us being 'candy-asses.' Needless to say, we gave chase.
As we topped 6,ooo feet things got a bit sketchy. I think it I was way beyond lactate threshold and not thinking right or it might have been the mushrooms they added to our pizza the night before. Then there was a fast downhill and a road construction flagger. I think I saw Jan Ullrich (with a huge brautwurst in hand) calling me to the edge of the road. Funny because Tom had the very same vision. He acted on it, I kept things upright, at least I think I did.The rescue dogs found Tom at 4,000 feet, sorry about the pictures, but there was no time to get a proper shot.Tom is amazingly back on his bike, ala Tommy Simpson at Ventoux 1967, with no time to spare as the storms were coming in and we had to catch Mel before she got back to the van and left us all up here on the mountain. Mike and Andy volunteered to sheppard us (more like sherpa us) down the switchbacks and through the gauntlet of crazed Germans cycling fans. Sure we caught Mel, and we got to the finish, but at what cost? I ask you, at WHAT COST?

Tour of Grandview

2009-06-29T08:27:00.005-04:00

First of all, some of the racers Cadillac George, Might Scott Young, and I lined up against in the "masters" race were younger than Lance Armstrong. Yep, of the 40 or so youthful masters, we saw full heads of hair - not grey, and even some pimples! The scheduled 20 miles and 18 times up the legger-ripper of a climb was gonna be ugly.

Sure 35 years old might be a category called called Masters, that is, if you were also holding an elite U-23 race. Some of the riders we raced were young enough to be our children! But who is complaining? Great venue, great course, only thing missing was Pascale's underwear dance.

Short story to tell: the rude young ones nailed it from the gun, you would have thought it was going to be 1 lap instead of 18. MSY had the fortune of getting a flat, he was out midway. Conti towed me around for multiple laps before dropping me. I just couldn't hang on to the pace and dutifully reserved my dignity (sure you did) by finishing last. Not last, if you count all the other grey beards that were slamming trunks and pulling out of the parking lot while we struggled to the finish.

Thanks to Jeff Jackson for coming to sign autographs, The Tingler for videography, and Mel for almost giving us a push up the hill.

Tuesday, and it's raining!

2009-06-26T07:15:00.003-04:00

1 - 2 - 3 in Worthington and Granville

2009-06-20T08:01:00.006-04:00

Ah yes, the tour of Ohio and we are the appetizer for the main show of mostly young upcoming cat. 1-2 talent. But who's complaining, I love the courses in both Worthington and Granville.

Friday night in Worthington and the temp is mid-80 (so is the humidity). Scheduled for a 30 minute plus 3 lap race, the organizers cut the affair to 20 minutes plus 3 because the storms were headed our way. Tym and Don combine the 4/5 (about 15 guys) and the masters (7) into one race. Chairman Fred wanted nothing to do with the young and the squirrely so he steps hard on the accelerator from the gun. I go next and we have shredded the field of the weak (and wobbly) and the race is now safe. Cadillac George acted as the cooling agent for the field by raining sweat to all those who chose to follow his wheel. Note to self: get a pair of Oakleys with wipers for August racing.

Each time up the leg breaking backside of the course and a few folks gave up their ambitions of winning. Final lap, final climb - a couple youngsters get a nice jump. We follow, passing riders here and there. Third overall for me, first in the masters, Fred second, George third.

Saturday Granville and the turnout is poor. 4 masters, F O U R. We are scheduled for 20 laps and the 4/5 with Farmer John has 12. The compost king was a man among boys leaving his fellow racers in the dust and finishing alone. But as custom in Granville, he almost crashed AGAIN while blowing kisses to the assembled.

Our race saw Mighty Scott Young (MSY) ride off the front halfway into the race never to be seen again. I didn't chase, neither did George or Chris (cat. 3). Each time up the brick cobble section Chris kept getting slower and slower. MSY wasn't coming back, so Conti-dor and I did the one-two on Chris until he was no more.

You have probably raced MSY sometime in your career. His orange Element is always parked at a race, and he is game to ride anything, especially if it tilts upward. Last week I wrote about his banshee screams from cramping at the State RR. This week, all rested he performed my dream ride - drop your competitors and solo lap-after-lap t the finish. Since he is an honorary member of The World of Pain, I can say we did the 1-2-3 again finishing MSY, Pantani (a gift from Conti), and Cadillac George

State RR Championship

2009-06-15T09:02:00.008-04:00

I once began my race reports with a standard line, "you shoulda' been there." Lately, I'm thinking I'd change it to "You should have 'F-ing' been there, damnit!"

No really, remember we have a Team, and teammates who signed on to race. I had no designs on winning this race of 50 miles and 5 times up the nasty hill in the heat an afternoon in June, but my mates Cadillac G, Luca Brasi, and Brian-Mr. "when can I upgrade and get away from these Cat. 5 squirrels?" were signed up, so I signed up...

Now a few snapshots from Caesar's Creek:

-Big fields, new faces and there's a tall fit guy on a $6,000 Cervelo speaking German in the parking lot, hee hee, "I wonder who's gonna be racing Jan Ulrich?" He pins on his number and it starts with '4' what! He's in my race...It's gonna be a long day boys.

-And it was a long day, various racers dropped from cramping in the heat. Mighty Scott Young who led our big Cat. 4 race up the hill for the first 3 laps was overtaken by cramps the last time up and I actually saw him riding backwards and screaming

-Mr. Sausage (who apparently no longer races) is now a referee...and, might I say those vertical stripes are quite slimming

-Our friend Cameraman Dave Tingler was there making another documedtary. Why is is that once a video camera is present, people go all Jerry Springer on each other? Iowa Josh kept wiggling his finger in my face and doing the blackgirl neck saying things I cannot repeat here.

-Gimme-an-upgrade Brian barely got off the start line before a cat. 5 dupe wrecked him in the feed zone.

-I survived the climbs the first 4 times up, the 5th and final, my legs said 'no way' and I followed the pack, which was whittled to half by the last lap to the finish. I'm not saying the beers cooling in the car had anything to do with me out sprinting some guy for 20th.

crash (follow up) + dog news

2009-06-11T10:23:00.009-04:00

1 week post crash and I'm feeling (little) better. The soreness that I had from hitting the pavement at 23mph remains. It feels like a really really tough workout, but my recovery isn't taking the same path as a hard workout. I tried pushing the pace tuesday night, but I popped way too fast. More healing needed.

The body does have a mechanism to heal itself, and it entails sleep and more sleep. My new intervals have been stretches of REM, rapid eye movement sprints....

Strange how cloudy the brain can get with a concussion. My attention to tasks has been short, reading difficult. Not that anyone would ever say that I am a patient person, but I've not been able to concentrate for long stretches...

Dog update: Mr. Pickett (the owner) says the dog is fine...I plan to roll by is the rain stops and take a look myself.

Bike update: front wheel toast, saddle trashed, derailleur hanger bent, and some noise in the front end, will test this soon.

Clothes update: helmet, jersey and shorts trashed (lucky it was my "TEAM #O##" bibs)

more later.

Bounce and a painful slide

2009-06-04T12:06:00.011-04:00

This spring, actually these past 12 months, remind us, not that we (anyone) needs to be reminded, just how fragile this existence is. On the heels of a couple tragedies, I hit the pavement during Tuesday night’s training ride. Events have told us that friends and loved ones are here one moment and gone, kind of like all my General Motors’ stock, the next.

Ask any roadie about crashes and he/she will show you either where their collarbone once was or some patch of skin that has been rubbed off so many times that it is no longer capable of holding pigment. Conti has three times the breaks of Lance and remember Matrka’s ribs being introduced (rather abruptly) to the insides of his lung last year?

‘Gone in an instant’ continues to be the theme in my mind as I reflect over the events of Tuesday. It was a windy-looks-like-a thunderstorm kind of night. What started with a group of 15 behind Beehive Books got whittled down to just a few roadies escheloned clear across the road coming out of Prospect. I’ve learned a few things over the years about training/racing and know enough to follow a steady wheel, and Tuesday I was tucked safely behind farmer John and Scott-on-a-Scott. I prefer either Andy, Rea 2.o, or Conti’s wheel as they are the steadiest roadies I’ve ever met, but Mike and Andy weren’t there Tuesday and I got out of synch with Da’Godfather after an attack (that I started) just before Prospect.

I had just finished my pull up front and was drifting back to the rear. Maybe it was the wind, but I didn’t hear the shouts of “dog.” And I didn’t see the…bam I hit him broadside and was in freefall over my bars. Maybe a good thing that I didn’t have time to tense up, landing first on my head (helmet destroyed), then back and hip followed. Things went black then the stars came out, “hello Angelina, where’s Brad?,” and I think I saw Bunny from the Big Lebowski…

As I lay there, I couldn’t move my leg and it felt like my hip was broken. Ah, the immobility was due to my right foot being still clipped into my pedal. “Somebody unclips me, WAIT, if this leg is broken it’s really gonna hurt.” OK, nothing broken, I unclip (actually somebody did it for me) and I sat in the road for the next 10 minutes. Farmer John went off to make compost out of the dog (never caught him) and pound on the owner’s door. As the riders we dropped came rolling up, the looks on their faces were, I can say, less than reassuring. Maybe they were still thinking about Larry, Mike, or their own mortality as it relates to bicycles. But the ‘not again’ ghost was hovering nearby.

I know a couple posts ago that I wrote there are no other groups I’d rather be riding with through rain, cold, and crashes, but this is hitting a little too close to home!

Four hours later, I’m back from the ER, cleaning wounds and trying to find a comfortable position to try to sleep in. I’m out of the state RR and crit championships this weekend. A couple trips to the chiropractor and I’m actually feeling worse…sore neck and that old man shuffle walk.

Wait, it’s Thursday night. I’m thinking I’ll just do a little spin out of town with the regulars and see how my legs feel.

btw. those that want to see pics of my raw and skinless ass, please send $10 cash and I'll mail you them in an unmarked envelope.

A New York Tale

2009-06-03T11:46:00.006-04:00

I took a break from racing this past weekend to vacation (while Mel worked) in New

York, or the city, as it is known in, …er, the city. All our past visits to NY found Mel and me wandering over to Central Park to see the dogs play and watch the cyclists go round and round the 6 mile loop. We pointed out brokers on their $10,000 bikes and hipsters on fixies.

This year while Mel did her thing, I rented a road bike and had a tour of the island. First impression; Central Park blows. Either you are dodging inline skaters, aggressive mommies with strollers or fending off those brokers, their Colnagos & Assos kit. I did 2 laps of the park, spinning my 25 pound Schwinn

($6/hr from Liberty Cycles) around joggers and spaced-out

tourists. It seems the hardcore roadies ride early in the a.m., by noon all I was left with were the square-pedaling-handlebar-above-the-saddle racers. But they all still wanted to race me. As I spun up the little (I’m talking little by flat central Ohio standards) rollers, I would get these 2 or 3 guys jumping on my wheel and eventually passing me on a downhill only to be caught as I spun (spun!) up the next roller. I had to get out of the park.

Now, the bike paths on the Hudson river was another thing all together. Folks seemed to understand they walked on one side and we cycled on the other. I was able to ride up, beyond Spanish Harlem, past Fort Tryon into almost wilderness on a path. Very cool sightseeing, past an aircraft carrier and Columbia University, turn left and I’m spinning through Harlem back into Central Park. Very cool. I’m now on the East River riding past the Empire State building, under the Brooklyn Bridge down to see lady Liberty and ground zero. Sometimes you forget NY is an island AND a port. But there it is, nature and boaters, sea kayaks, and a few super model wannabes sporting their stuff. All very cool, and all very accessible by bicycle.

Mid-Ohio Part Deux

2009-05-24T13:52:00.006-04:00

With the recent news of the passing of our cycling buddy Larry Allen hovering above the proceedings yesterday at Mid-Ohio, Cadillac George and I discussed the topic of our own mortality on the drive up to Lexington. Larry at age 55, was much too young to be checking out of this earthly motel. While George had known Larry for years, I’d met him about 4 years ago, had ridden locally with him, and even joined him on one of the epic Boone, NC rides a few years ago. While he was a big guy (a former University of Colorado football player) he never shied away from riding with “you skinny ass bikers” as he reminded me just last tuesday night. You might have known that he was training to ride the famed mountains of France next month, and he certainly was riding strong as I felt his presence when he took his turn pulling our little peloton.

There is no explanation as to why he won’t get to ride the mountains with Chet and Mike, and I don’t really believe there is a grand design involved here. We are born, just as we race. Some win a few races here and there, others are destined to be pack filler. It is really of no significance if you win or lose, race or stay home on your sofa. History will forget who lapped or got lapped this past season.

What will endure is that I (and you) have an imprint made on our souls by the time (and hours and miles) spent riding with Larry Allen and ALL those in this group we've called Breakaway or COBC or A World of Pain, etc. Riders that we have suffered with in the cold, the rain, and the heat, driven to the ER with, and explained how to restart training after broken collarbones. The same friend you've lent an understanding ear when they explain just why they are quitting the sport, for the 3rd time.

Few outside our cadre understand this bond. Even some selfish former teammates don’t understand this bond, nor do some shop owners.

We gave Larry a few cheers yesterday while racing. Assembled were the aforementioned Conti, along with the return of Jaybone. I saw Chairman Fred, Man of Gawd Dan T., new Brian, and freshly back from this year's Boone training camp but not very fresh were Luca Brasi (Dave Chambers) and mighty Scott Young. Here’s to Bruce Almighty’s 1st race of the year and Big Scott on a Scott’s first race! Farmer John raced 2/3/4 and I am waiting for a report, but when we pulled out of the lot he had made the break.

The race story was overshadowed by Larry’s passing, so I’ll simply report I finished 3rd (again) racing in a survival mode.

Note: we voted beer to be the perfect recovery drink and plan to have some (very cold) bottles at all upcoming races.

Yellow Springs Oh-HIGH-Oh

2009-05-17T12:31:00.007-04:00

I know what you’re thinking, but that’s not Chairman Fred at the start of Friday night’s criterium.

We met in Yellow Springs, Ohio for the 2 day stage race and the turnout of World of Pain riders was woeful. The flat 4-corner crit found only Cadillac George and me teeing it up. Of course when you do a masters race there is the possibility of racing everyone from Frankie Andreau to Gus Comstock. We had a Cat. 2 from Ft. Wayne and a couple of Team Dayton guys born in the 1940s. After a couple of Cheech-N-Chong Antioch tokes we were off. The Cat. 2 guy goes off the front and the Dayton geezers off the back (we lapped them a coupla times during the race). Work and worked some more to bring the Cat. 2 dude back and we go round-n-round. He takes a couple more flyers to test the corners, but is always reeled back in. Last lap, and of course he goes again, Conti does the hard work getting me back up on his wheel and I come around a few folks for 3rd. I’m not complaining, except now I’ve got the munchies...

The combined 2/3/4 race was a nice field with our own Farmer John opening up his crit season. Ask him when you see him how he did. I hear he missed the 3 man break, but won the pack sprint for 4th. Mighty fine result after he hit on the Bob Marley cigarette that was passed in the wheel pit.

___________________________________

So we figure that Saturday’s race will be better attended by our team, knowing that the Antioch gold was freely distributed. And we heard the winner was promised a free piercing!

What! It’s only Conti and me again. This time for a 44 mile road race that included 4 times up ‘Devil’s Backbone.’ We were in another Masters field (no Cat. 2 but we had Tym on the starting line). First time up and its gruppo compacto. Can’t say the same for the 2nd time. Tym turns the screws and we are off the back. George and I chased for an entire lap, but had to give up the ghost. OK, we worked some more, climb, fight wind, turn for home and Conti cramps up, I take 5th and we politely decline to eat the mushrooms the guy is offering in the parking lot.....

Fausto and Me

2009-05-05T08:18:00.003-04:00

I was born January 2, 1960
the very day that Fausto Coppi died
coincidence?

what do you think?

Granville...Fred is back

2009-04-26T16:41:00.003-04:00

Saturday (end of April) and we are racing in 85 degree temperatures. What? Yes eighty plus five! And this is ONLY the third time I’ve ridden without knee warmers so far this year...

short recap for the attention deficit out there:
Chairman Fred is back racing
Fred is off the back
ok, he’s back on
Fred tells us he’s dropping out in the penultimate lap
we convince him to ride on
Fred is down (minor road rash)
ok, he’s back on
Fred is off the back
ok, he’s back on
...AND THEN HE KILLS US ALL IN THE SPRINT!

Longer version: We swoop down on the annual Granville race around the rain, farm fertilizer and manure, and potholes only to find the hottest April day in history with winds blowing a steady 18 mph, gusting to Wizard of Oz force. I find Cadillac George has arrived early and ‘who’s the scholar’ Andy Will has also arrived without a jersey, shorts and socks, Diaper Dan Tinderholt, DJ T-Will, Mighty Scott Young, and Chairman Fred have arrived. Rumors circulate about Rea-Rea upgrading to 3.o and reuniting with team jellyroll (somebody say it ain’t so).

It is a scheduled 5 laps or 35 miles, no problem I’ve got two bottles. The masters race is joined by Tym and we spin out hitting the wind at the start finnish, bam...this is gonna hurt. No problem with the wind at our backs we do an easy 35 mph until we have to make that inevitable turn back into the breeze. We make the mistake of cooperation and everyone pulls through, enough turns at Tym’s speeds and a few of us are no longer there. Damn, I find myself riding in a three man break with Tym and Scott. Again I make the mistake of trading turns with the former pro and bye-bye break. Scott hangs a little longer but soon he is popped too. I roll a half lap alone waiting for a nice chat with the remains of the peloton but find only George and Fred motoring behind me. The 30 mph on the back is coupled with the 10 mph front. And it kinda wears a man down. Chairman Fred is struggling, we wait up and pull him along. His grandchildren pass us bottles to drink and dump on out heads (yeah, in April!) and we ride on.

The crash happens when the sweaty one moves left at 8 mph to blow his Roman nose, I swerve and Fred does the wheel scrape before he hit the deck. Not moving we roll back to check on him...road rash and cramping he’s OK, and we tow Fred around for another lap and a half.

You what happens next, he drops the hammer in the sprint and takes us. Note to self: make Fred do plenty of work next week...

Zanesfield wrap

2009-04-05T11:36:00.006-04:00

Did the predicted 58 degrees even get close to the “3 degree guarantee”? No way. It was cold and windy all day at the Tour of Logan County. I say Ben Gelper owes us whatever it is we get when the weatherman is wrong. And maybe the weather is the explanation why it was harder to go down (no rusty trombone jokes here) than up today.

The scheduled 3 laps of ten miles for the masters was combined with the cat. 4/5 race and we (Spartan Spirit, Tom ‘papa’ Will, and I) line up alongside mighty Scott Young, Honda Brian, Tym T and 4 other old guys. You know it is a masters race when the riders leave the start to take ‘one more leak’ before the gun...

Joining the festivities were Farmer John and Mr. 4% Dan Rhule in the cat. 3 and American Taliban (except he’s graduating soon so he’s got the haircut and shave thing going on) running in the Cat. 1/2/3.

The course kinda goes up, up, and up - very gently, before a seriously fast downhill into a right turn and 500 meter to the finish. The 4/5 factor added up to a very lumpy race that saw too many accelerations and way too many slow parts. But in the end the ordeal averaged 21 mph with my speed-o-meter registering 45 mph on the decent.

First lap had the aforementioned fast/slow/fast/slow rhumba, followed by that downhill where T. Will did his best Industrial Workers of the World, i.e. Wobblies move - wrestling the steering wheel almost into a 40 mph derma-abrasion treatment. Second lap and a few moves were made by the strong men, Conti and I followed wheels, not letting anything get away. Same with the third lap. A couple times Tym made his patented move, I jumped to follow, but he didn’t maintain. And we are all together.

On the downhill, Tym told me to grab his wheel and he would take me to the corner and 500 meters to go. And down we flew 50 x 11 - I hit the turn, but got caught behind a large yellow rider which messed my momentum. Reconfigured the sprint and maintained my position for 5th(?) overall and 1st of the masters.

MALABAR REPORT

2009-03-28T20:48:00.004-04:00

You know where this one's going...

Diarrhea + Racing = No Results

Tuesday Nite Wrap Up

2009-03-18T08:41:00.002-04:00

Mid-Ohio Tour

2009-03-14T19:24:00.005-04:00

Dam, they’ve positioned me in the front of the line right in the middle of the big sweeping right turn before the final left-hander into the final 300 hundred meters. Is this going to be a repeat of last year’s race when Cadillac George came around for the win?

So that is how the end of the race set up, why not start at the beginning. Race number 3 in the Torelli Ohio Spring series and the turn out is healthy. Must be 40 guys in the 4/5, a dozen in my Masters race including the aforementioned GM product, Luca Brasi (with pneumonia), Mikey Rea, and our pal Scott “I own ever cycling toy in the catalog” Young (also with pneumonia). We had the proverbial ‘ah-oh’ moment at the start with Tym Tyler lining up with us again and fit racer from OU wearing his ‘masters’ number over his number for the 3 PM race. He planned to use us as his warm up. You know where that’s going.

We start a minute or so after the 4/5s (which included Dan-of-God) and in lap 3 of 16 Tym strolls off the front. I lineup behind Mr. Warmup - thinking he’s going to take me to his leader. Nothing doing, he sits. NOBODY CHASES. Okay, we never see Tym again. Round and round we go, half the guys blown out the back.

About lap 9 Rea-Rea wanders off the front, again - no chase. Hmm, 6 laps later Mr. Warmup decides he’s going to chase Mike down. accelerate, accelerate, and more acceleration. We are again gruppo compacto (Tym doesn’t count) and all know the our pal is just being kind, he could blow our doors off anytime he wants.

Last lap, and there’s no need to charge up the hill because the LONG downhill on the backside, which is into the wind and impossible to escape on. It’s going to be a sprint. And there I am in the front. What the hell, I accelerate at 300 meters - too far out, I get a nice jump = the monster comes around me but no one else...

grazie, grazie - third place.

Tuesday Nite's Alright For Fighting

2009-03-11T10:42:00.002-04:00

You shoulda been there...the first Tuesday night throwdown rolled (shit, can't say that anymore) out from Delaware. OK, we decamped from Beehive and Breakaway in full force. All your cartoon favorites showed, Olympian Iowa Josh, Cadillac G, Farmer John, DJ T-WIll, American Taliban, Rea-Rea and his no-no jersey, Chairman Fred, and some tri-guy (we cut him a break). The temp was 75, no kidding 75 in March in Ohio - go figure.

It was like old times, from the gun everyone trying to rip the legs off of their best friends. Funny how that works, I've witnessed such tender acts of kindness between teammates off the bike, like when Conti taught Farmer John how to read (not big words) 2 years ago, Jeff Jackson sharing his chamois creme application tactics with T-Will, or Butch peeing off his bike while Mikey Rea holds his top tube (no jokes please). But once the tuesday ride rolls, oops, departs I get that 'you are DEAD TO ME' stare from Andy. Really gives you the shivers.

Nice ride last night, the MASTERS (such a nice term for old slow guys) regrouped into our own ride as the whipper snappers dropped us like a pregnant teenage girl friend. We labored into the gale force winds, and all screamed like little girls when we caught the tailwinds and sprinted at 30+ mph back home.

See you next week...

Tour of Knox County

2009-03-07T18:50:00.012-05:00

What a difference a week makes. Last week we raced in 28 degree weather, today it was 45 degrees warmer! Needless to say, riders shed all the winter clothing in the parking lot and the start line look much better than last week.

Even Farmer John got into the spirit today. Only question is where do you apply the chamois creme?

But you didn’t tune in here to see salacious pictures, you surfed over to read about a bike race. For the pictures got to drunkcyclinst.com.

Here’s the dope. Seventy three degrees, 50 racers, a stacked Cat. 1/2 field and large 3/4 and 4/5 too. One COBSausage rider that got spanked early and went home before the race was over, more about that later. I was joined today by the Spartan Spirit Cadillac George, Farmer John, and our former chums Andy “Joe College” Will and the new Olympian Iowa Josh. Chairman Fred Parks made an appearance to watch, but I caught him talking up the girls in thongs a coupla times. But can you blame him?

Don’t call me hateful but Eric-the-1/2-a-bee COBSausage rider told us last December that ‘the team’ doesn’t do Tym Tyler races because the courses are not demanding and races not long enough! Yeah, right - ask anyone about the safe challenging roads today, I recorded speeds at 42 mph flying down the backside and a mere 8 mph doing nearly 450W on the climbs. Everyone was toast by the time the race was over, from the Cat. 2s to the Cat. 5s. And did I mention the only member of the Jimmy Dean squad to toe the start line went pop, pop, pop on lap one! Maybe 'the team' should reconsider their position, or take up touring with another group we know that likes to gently roll.

Your pal hung as long as he could, trying to match Tym’s accelerations after the climbs. I did it once, twice, but third time up I was cut free - untethered to ride with a few stragglers. The numbers were brutal - average 188W and 165 BPM, and that was with all the freewheeling downhills...

Congrats to Farmer John and Andy for his 2nd place in the Cat. 1/2 race...

It's early - see you at Mid-Ohio.

Let's End February with some Frosty-Bitten Toes

2009-02-28T20:24:00.008-05:00

In every war movie ever made there’s a battlefield scene where some soldier yell’s out, “I can’t feel my legs!” Now, the annual Frosty Toes Road Race in beautiful Croton, Oh-HI-Oh won’t ever be mistook for a combat zone, but I kept hearing guys call out in today’s race, “I can’t feel my hands.”

Maybe the 28 degrees at the start and the winds gusting to 25 mph had something to do with it. But I’m not complaining, the fat sausage-head twins (your pick of Delaware’s own kielbasa or the Scottish banger) were no where to be seen today. We did have in attendance among the 40 starters, my hero Cadillac George, Man of Gawd Dan T, Farmer John, Luca Brasi Chambers and your pal Pantani.

It was a true Belgian classic, only without the beer. I wish I could tell you more but I was blown off the back and rode to the finish with a small group. Maybe next week I’ll have a real race story to tell...

We Should Have Seen It Coming

2009-01-19T10:49:00.006-05:00

Now this all makes sense...

CHEERS!

With apologies to Monty Python

2009-01-15T11:13:00.002-05:00

Constitutional Peasant Biker

Stuart: Old woman!
Dennis: Man!
Stuart: Man. Sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?
Dennis: I'm thirty-seven.
Stuart: I-- what?
Dennis: I'm thirty-seven. I'm not old.
Stuart: Well, I can't just call you 'Man'.
Dennis: Well, you could say 'Dennis'.
Stuart: Well, I didn't know you were called 'Dennis'.
Dennis: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
Stuart: I did say 'sorry' about the 'old woman', but from the behind you looked--
Dennis: What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior!
Stuart: Well, I am King!
Dennis: Oh, King, eh, very nice. And how d'you get that, eh? By exploiting the racers! By 'anging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society. If there's ever going to be any progress with the--
Woman: Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh! How d'you do?
Stuart: How do you do, good lady? I am Stuart, King of Roll. Who's castle is that?
Woman: King of who?
Stuart: Roll.
Woman: Who are the Rollers?
Stuart: Well, we all are. We are all Rollers, and I am your king.
Woman: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.
Dennis: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship: a self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--
Woman: Oh, there you go bringing class into it again.
Dennis: That's what it's all about. If only people would hear of--
Stuart:: Please! Please, good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?
Woman: No one lives there.
Stuart: Then who is your team captain?
Woman: We don't have a team captain.
Stuart: What?
Dennis: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week,...
Stuart: Yes.
Dennis: ...but all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting...
Stuart: Yes, I see.
Dennis: ...by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,...
Stuart: Be quiet!
Dennis: ...but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more major--
Arthur: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
Woman: Order, eh? Who does he think he is? Heh.
Stuart: I am your king!
Woman: Well, I didn't vote for you.
Stuart: You don't vote for kings.
Woman: Well, how did you become King, then?
Stuart: The Lady of the Lake,... [angels sing] ...her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft the Maillot Jaune from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry the Yellow Jersey. [singing stops] That is why I am your king!
Dennis: Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing jerseys is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
Stuart: Be quiet!
Dennis: Well, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a team kit at you!
Stuart: Shut up!
Dennis: I mean, if I went 'round saying I was an emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!
Stuart: Shut up, will you? Shut up!
Dennis: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
Stuart: Shut up!
Dennis: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help! Help! I'm being repressed!
Stuart: Bloody peasant!
Dennis: Oh, what a give-away. Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about. Did you see him repressing me? You saw it, didn't you?

Solving a fat Problem

2009-01-10T18:50:00.008-05:00

Before:

sharpie solution:

After:

new year's 2008 - nine

2008-12-31T18:47:00.004-05:00

It's hard to be a skinny-high-five'n white boy when all the world is run by fatmen
.
me thinks that makes for a bad steu

Lancaster 2006...Re-runs III

2008-12-16T19:15:00.002-05:00

The instructions I received at the start line were simple. Triple A-Aaron said “Just follow the Giant.” The plan was to follow all the moves of the American Thor Hushovd aka Isaiah, winner of everything lately. With storm clouds moving in we rolled out for our 25 minutes of round-and-round in downtown Lancaster...or as the locals call it “Lank-ster.” Cadillac George whispered, “shadow, the sasquatch.” Nice four corners track here. Jungle Jack reminds to “yield to the Yeti.” A couple accelerations by Isaiah are marked and Chairman Fred pipes in, “tailgate the leviathan.” OKAY I get it....hunt the Titan...Chase the Colossus...stalk the Behemoth...Enough Already...how about this Concatenate the brobdingnagian!...Look that one up you raisin-bread eaters!

The plan worked to perfection (at least in my mind), clear dry roads... oops, 3 laps to go and it begins to sprinkle, I’m still sitting on Isaiah’s wheel as 1 lap is called. Raining a little harder now...Acceleration, I’m on it and in third position as we come into the last turn.

The godfather describes the crash as “beautiful, like all-male synchronized swimming.” The giant hits some wet white lane markings, slides on his hip and “ashes-ashes, we all fall down.” Having received the worst of it, I’m slow to pick up my bike and finish eighth.

Chapeau to Dr. Dave, the only Amigo to show up today, raced in an ugly downpour.

More Winter ReRuns...Tour O' Grandview 2006

2008-12-06T12:35:00.004-05:00

I guess it was a bit disappointing that the Tour de Granview, scheduled as an outing for the Cat 4 team to race with the Cat. 3 Amigos didn’t stay that way...George called them “the cat. 3 Musketeers” and Charlie “the 3 stooges,” with that biting Texas “s-sound” that W pronounces Evildoers with...Well the 3/4 lovefest lasted for about 2 laps of the scheduled 8, as it was once again the Cadillac George and Marco Pantani show this week in Columbus...please tip your waitress, we’ll be working this room all week....spit out of the back of the Amigo race, George and I did a 2-man roadshow for lap-after-lap, thinking we were the lantern rouge. Nobody told us the entire cat. 4 field was behind us. Mel and Rain-man must have been playing rock-paper-sissors because they never said “sit up and wait, help is about 30 second behind you.” The nice family grilling bratwurst (make mine with mustard, no onions) were silent, the race announcer kept calling us stragglers. Onward we trudged taking turns. George and I didn’t want to make this a tour with a small “T” so we worked hard (not Jens Voight hard, but maybe Christophe Moreau hard). OK, hard enough that I see Pete standing on the side of the road and I’m hallucinating (I think) because he looks like that guy from the Village People doing the YMCA song. Mel waves, Mike gives the thumbs up. NOTHING....two laps to go, here comes Iowa J, Charlie, and the rest of the 4s. Oops, I’m sorry but I’ve left my legs back there somewhere on the course....One of the out-of-town riders starts in on us with “the Raisin Rack, what’s that mean? Is it like your women’s team has small breasts?”...the Iowa tornado was like “Whatever...” But Charlie kept insisting the cyclist check out the “Rack” on a couple of our Stooge teammates after the race....1.5 laps to go and the large health company dude jumps, Charlie marks his move... and we are back together... I’m spit off the back at the bell but I bridge on the downhill....half a lap and it looks like it’s is going to be an uphill race and a long long sprint. Did I mention that the Godfather and I did some real hard work when we thought it was just the two of us? Needless to say the fat lady had sung, and indeed, she had a nice rack....

Return of the 'quote of the day'

2008-12-04T12:23:00.003-05:00

We will be returning to the daily quotes on the email group A World Of Pain, but I wanted to drop this one on you.

"The purpose of life is to be defeated by greater and greater things."
-Rainer Maria Rilke (born 1875)

Winter ReRuns - March 2006 Mid-Ohio Race

2008-12-01T12:26:00.002-05:00

With all the snow and rain and cold, I'm posting race reports from the old days- ESPN Classic style. Here's one from the 2006 season:
.
Just after the start, the Cat. 4 race turned into a forum on American Pacifism and the Christian ‘just war’ theory. Whaler and I were talking about the proliferation of ‘so-called’ Anarcho-pacifists, you know the followers of Leo Tolstoy. Jaybone piped up and suggested that they were no more than Nihilists. “Maybe,” says Pink Floyd (Jungle Jack version 2.0), “but can you still talk smack and be a pacifist?” Interesting query (we’ll get to that later) as the glass shards, oops, no the biting sleet starts attacking our faces on the 1st lap. The 30 or so racers also feel the pain of White Lightning's accelerations up the hill lap-after-lap and Cho-cho Charlie tells us that we have to be joking, because everyone thought the were WMDs before the invasion and jumps off the front for a solo stroll that pops a coupla riders off the back....I wasn’t talking to you anyway. Whaler starts listing famous pacifists like John Lennon, Buddha, and Native American Chief Seattle and I begin to see the close resemblance his facial features have with THE ROCK. I had just watched DOOM - the movie (one star, no nekkid chicks, but plenty of gore) and there he was, Jerry wielding a plasma gun. This certainly makes our conversation surreal because as you know their really hasn’t ever been an “unjust” war. Godfather Conti chimes in and brings up fictional pacifists like Jeff Lebowski and Stimpy (from Ren & Stimpy). Stimpy? Don’t ask, Godfather does a few powerful turns and settles back....how many laps to go? Two, ok we run around the backside. As the boys get jumpy and the skinny OS-shoe rider collides with the 16 year-old from Pennsylvania. More about that later. The COBC train has whittled the field to about 8 riders and Andy makes a break with 2 other guys. We come together on the backside and Bolt-man calls a lead out about 1/2 mile before the finish. forgetaboutit. George powers through again, Andy jumps and gets first.

We revisit the pacifism issue after the race when the OS-shoe rider wants to fight the skinny kid he collided with. I told the shoe-dude that if he wanted to fight the kid, he also has to fight me, because this is a race and crashes happen. I was bluffing, and also wondering if the bluff was somehow counter to the pacifist code? Long story short, Bob Marley and the Whaler circled the shoe-dude, reminded him that he too had made an aggressive move, this was just an accident, and then sent him off with his tail between his legs.

Moral of the story: I was quite proud to ride with this league of gentlemen. Clean and fair racers who defend the other riders and the race itself. Maybe the Godfather was right, the big Lebowski did say, “This aggression will not stand, man.” Somebody ask him to explain the stimpy thing...

Why I now only train with cat. 2 racers

2008-11-28T20:35:00.000-05:00

Friday the day after the all-you-can-eat turkey day, and I agree to go for a training ride. The sun is shining and the temperature is 36, but heading to 40. Smart folks stayed inside and ate another piece of pie, I saddled up with Joe College, American Taliban, The ‘young and the restless,’ and Andy Will. Who’s name, ‘Will” I understand roughly translates in Flemish as “tough veal.”

We roll out in an easterly direction, I’m feeling fine, even though I did 2 hours with Cadillac George yesterday (before turkey, mashed potatoes, corn ‘something,’ asparagus, and pie...make that 3 pieces of pie). We talk of the recession, General Motors, Butch’s latest bike purchases, etc. Piece of cake (er, pie) this ride to Croton. After rolling through some pig shit covered roads...note to self clean bike...we turn for home. boing! Into the wind, a stiff wind (ah, that’s why the first hour was so easy) and all that easy rolling downwind sweat was now cooling me off at a fast clip. Plus, I’m really, as they say, ‘”on the rivet.,” battling a nasty block headwind.

I offer to let Andy ride away and I’ll just curl up in this culvert for a bit of hypothermia sleep, ah wonderful sleep. No, he offers to ride in front ALL THE WAY HOME! allowing me to sit on his wheel and keep the needle just below the red zone. No talk just work. Did I mention, all the way home?

Winter Training (thanks to Zack & RATM)

2008-11-15T11:46:00.001-05:00

Born of a broken man
Never a broken man
Born of a broken man
But not a broken man

Born of a broken man
Never a broken man
Born of a broken man
But not a broken man

OCA declares "Mission Accomplished"

2008-09-06T15:52:00.006-04:00

The president of the OCA opened his press conference on the deck of the SS Minnow with his little inside joke, “Don’t mess with Roadhouse, he he he.” Taking a page from the Karl Rove play book, his plan to make the world safe from Tym Hussein has seemingly worked. When questioned about his motive to rid central Ohio of the majority of its road races and criteriums, the president, kept repeating, “anyone that disagrees with me, well, they just hate free wheeling.” Pressed about the future of bicycle racing in Ohio, he would only state, “the people don’t need races, they need democracy.”

Already, large doughy cyclists have been spotted infiltrating the Ohio cycling scene. Their distinctive sausage encased lycra uniforms and foul mouths were reported at local races all year and are planned to be acting as warlords for 2009.

The president rejected repeated requests for interviews, but released a statement suggesting that racers should get a sweet deal like he has to pay for gasoline and travel expenses to races at the far ends of the state and even outside Ohio. “All that travel is good for the economy, and my friends at big oil companies.” Indeed!

Granville RR

2008-09-01T13:52:00.002-04:00

A new post-race tradition was inaugurated at today’s Granville road race. Cadillac George and I both brought beer to celebrate (hopefully) another successful race. Of course, with any competitive endeavor, we must out do each other’s selection.

At the start the olive oil magnet and I were discussing the finer points of ‘beer,’ when the West Virginia rider, catching only part of our conversation chimes in, “yeah, me too, I fucked a deer once.” No, “BEER” not “DEER” we were speaking of beer. Yikes! And by the way, this is a family friendly blog, just say you have “known deer in the past.” George and I both made one of those notes to self, watch out for dis guy.

Where was I? Oh yeah, Granville RR not usually an end of the year kind of race, we usually do this baby in spring with temps in the mid-30s and plenty of farm field run off and cow poo to get your fill of antibiotics. Today it was mid-80s, but thankfully low humidity. It would be 4 laps for us 4/5ers.

Chairman Fred lines up too and we try to clue him into the WV guy with a song. George starts with Rocky Top...No no no, that’s the Tennessee song, how about “I am a lineman for the county, and I drive the main roads.” Nope that’s Glen Campbell. Shit, John Denver does that “Rocky Mountain High, Colorado” song. What’s that West Ver-gin-ya song? And oh, by the way, thanks for sending Rich Rodriguez to Michigan, I think they lost to Utah College for Girls in their opener yesterday.

Round we go, everyone taking turns, including the new version of Pascale - Katie (a woman in search of a nickname) our newest teammate. Well, everyone but West Virginia, mountain momma, take me home, country roads. That’s the song, and the mountain momma did plenty of jumping to the front for a coupla seconds then taking a look back only to stop pedaling.

There was also some kid in the race who would mark EVERY move, and continue to mark the racer, even when he tries to pull off the front, following to the left, to the right. It was a like a Buster Keaton silent film for a while.

Chairman Fred tries to shake-n-bake the mtn. momma on the homeward stretch, but he was still full of vinegar and stole the victory. I almost ALMOST pipped Fred on the line for 3rd. Next week my friend, next week.

In the other races, Taliban Andy gets 2nd in the 1-2-3, and Iowa J 4th in the 3/4.

George and I bring out the the suds, I prefer a Belgian white ale to Conti’s Leininkugel black & tan. Sort of like Campy v. Shimano...stay tuned

Long Street Crit

2008-08-25T09:34:00.001-04:00

You shoulda been there. Yes siree. Long Street crit is a fantastic day in the city. Food. Live band. Correction FREE food, live band and racing racing racing. Jaybone, Luca Brasi – the ultimate fighter, and I warmed up to some Parliament Funkadelic on the double twisty huge 180 turned ultra safe course. Bootsy wails, “Ain’t nothing but a party baby.” Indeed. About 30 partiers line up for the 4/5 race. 25 laps was going to take us about 30 minutes. Team Dayton takes almost immediate control of the race and you know “…she’s a brick….house..” around we go, back again past the band, “…mighty mighty, just letting all hang out…” Hip and way better than the usual recorded techno crap we race around. Chambers and Allred maintain a nice position throughout the race, always in the top 10 riders, “…she’s a freak, a super freak, she’s kinda freaky.” I hover in the back, comfortable that our 26 mph will drop the squirrels. Both Luca and Boneman take a few trips off the front, “.."Thank You Falettinme Be Mice Elf Agin.” Only 1 small crash in the 180 turn, a Cincy kid falls but is not hurt. “…I break down, in a COLD SWEAT,” and that’s my signal – James Brown calls me to the, I gotta say it, calls me to The Bridge. I sprint past Dayton to take a lap in the lead. I guess you gotta get up to get down. Nope. Dayton shuts everything off. I head back to mid-pack and finish there. I seems Chairman Fred and I are just getting our racing legs under us. Anyone want a piece of me - well in October?

Corroto stripped of State RR honors!

2008-07-28T13:10:00.006-04:00

After being awarded a beautiful 3rd place plaque at the Ohio State road race championships, I was later told that race organizers had stripped me of this title. But that is the end of this tale, why not start at the beginning.

Team Escarole brought 5 racers to Danville, Oh! for the state championships. Cadillac George and Chairman Fred for the 55+ Golden Buckeye race, Jaybone ‘sometimes-red’ for the 35+, me, and ‘no longer the kid’ Andy Schleck would be doing the 1-2-3. We also found Andy’s brother Dan Schleck and poppa Tom entering the Citizens race. Neither whom are Team Jellyroll racers, but if they won, surely we would take credit for their feets!, er feats

You might remember the Danville course from last year, Chairman Fred did one lap - pulled over to his car and drove straight for home, while Cadillac did the lone cha-cha for 20+ miles. Remember, also Andy made a winning move only to be forced off his bike with cramps, oh so close to the finish line. The race is an up and down (never flat) affair with a steep climbs in the 18.5 mile circuit. I chose the 4/5 race because I’m too young to hold a Golden Buckeye card and I wasn’t reared (sorry Jay) in the hills of Richland county.

Although hilly, it is a fabulous course that really settles matters, smooth roads and well marshaled corners. The only hazards here were the AIEDs (or Amish Improvised Explosive Devices), basically poo from their many horse drawn carriages. No $4/gallon worries in Danville. In fact the locals took time out from their chores to marvel at the multicolored lycra clad riders. We heard that they eschew Campy and Shimano for old school down tube shifters and 6-speed cassettes. Unfortunately they were banned from the race for refusing to trade their straw hats for an approved helmet.

My race exploded straight away on the first climb, I fell in with a few riders, chatting up the TDF “yeah, doesn’t Cadel have a chipmunk face when he is put under a spot of bother…” all while most of the race was up the road. Soon we rolled past Fred trying to untangle himself from a kinked chain, and we passed riders that were soloing themselves to the parking lot. Near the end of the first lap poppa Will rolls by me with the leaders from the open race. I stepped on it, mostly working the downhills to close the gap and then, Tom and I worked together for the remainder of lap one and the entire second lap.

Onward Tom and I rode, passing riders, poo, and perhaps the highlight on my day was dumping two bottles of cold water on my overheated carcass and screaming 47 mph down the backside hills. Pure bliss.

Who knows where you finish in a race like this, everyone rolls in as single or double riders. Apparently they had scored me in 3rd, only to be corrected as forth. Sorry, no tales of doping here. Although Fred and I shared a few Advils at the start. Officials politely pried the 3rd place plaque out of my very tired hands.

Congrats to Cadillac and Tom Will on their 3rd place finishes in the 55+ and citizen’s race respectively.

Ricco Tests Positive

2008-07-17T09:41:00.003-04:00

My first thought: FUCK YOU, ......fuck, fuck, f-u-c-k

Grandview - Saturday

2008-06-29T21:33:00.000-04:00

It’s the Master’s flat criterium saturday race and the pace is hot, the 35 racers are averaging somewhere near 26/27 mph. As Todd Lee explained, they wanted to start fast to shake the squirrely riders out of the mix. Like many races this year, I hung for most of the race, only to be doing the off-the-back tango to finish. The last few laps got the voices in my head chattering again. Here’s a recap of the conversation:

The Glass Half Empty Guy (let’s call him Devil): Another race where you’re getting your teeth kicked in, why not hang it up and just do this ‘biking thing,’ stay in shape and do some charity tours?

The Glass Half Full Guy (the Competitor): No way, you know this is just part of my comeback year from the knee surgery.

Devil: You’re nearly 50 years old, you’re not getting any faster, or growing new muscle fibers, come on...join a bowling team, paint the kitchen, people your age....

Competitor: Shut your pie-hole, Don’t you think I’ve heard this before. Remember what the fat sausage racer from the Central Ohio Disease Control used to say to us? “You suck, you’re too slow...loser” And like Chairman Fred, we ignored his taunts and let our legs do the talking.

Devil: Sure that was motivation, but this is reality. Even Fred is suffering here. You spent all last winter training, while Fred was off the bike, he’s coming into form, you might actually be getting slower.

Competitor: I spent 5 months on crutches, 6 more in PT, my resting heart rate is 45 now, I have the fitness, but...

Devil: Yeah, but not the force applied to the pedals. This is all about strength and power.

Competitor: Right, but I have not been able to build quad strength in the gym, I can’t do squats or leg press.

Devil: It’s called arthritis, you’ve got no cartilage in that knee joint. Haven’t you been reading the arthritis magazines that come in the mail every month? The ones with the baby-booming couples walking on the beach, doing light yoga and enjoying their middle years.

Competitor: And they look so happy while they are not over-exerting themselves...and most of them have full heads of hair too!

Devil: You know this is a losing battle, those people clapping for you are the same ones who clap for the special olympic competitors. The race is up the road, you’re wasting your time here.

Sammy: What about your team? The guys that come out every week and train/race with you?

Devil: Who the hell are you?

Sammy: Just another voice in Mark’s head

Competitor: It’s getting a bit crowded in here..

Devil: You shut up.

Sammy: No, You shut up...

Competitor: OK, let’s get back to the issue at hand, I’m suffering in a race, again.

Sammy: Hey, check out the tattoos on that dude by the start line.

Competitor: That’s not a dude, she’s a chick. Is ComFest this weekend?

Devil: Comon’ just stop pedaling. Pull over to the side, you’re embarrassing yourself.

Competitor: Maybe, but it is just part of the larger plan. Suffer now and race stronger later. And look, there’s George and Mike - they have been dropped too, guess I’ll finish the race with them.

Granville Race

2008-06-22T16:13:00.009-04:00

The 4/5 race at Granville, home of Dennison University, was again the appetizer for the Tour of Ohio. We had the pleasure to race on a tough course set up for the big boys and unlike previous Granville races this one wound up and around (and up...and up) the university. Again, our guys were the dominant riders in the race, with Matt Herring the winner. Who is this guy? Mike Rea has a theory that Matt’s a genetic clone of Farmer John, big, strong, and fast.

You know what happened, but where to start? Maybe with karma. Farmer John promised us he’d upgrade (and get his monkey strength out of our events) for this race. But, just before we start, there he is suiting up to race with us senior citizens! Damn you compost man.

We had previewed the course and knew the race turned right and began climbing right off. Then there’s a left turn and up some more. Another right and quick left to more up and up. The ten laps = 11 miles took 40 minutes! Do the math, it might have been the slowest race we’ve ever done. That is because the downhill bottomed into an almost 180 turn. I clamped down of the brakes all the way down.

We start the first lap and I call, “neutral lap,” who knew this would be the sportsman practice for later on. Everyone agreed and we take a slow trudge up the course for lap one. When the racing did start, no one could really accelerate with any authority on the steep climbs.

Our lead vehicle, a VW Bug was doing a nice job until we encountered another car on the course. Instead of leading he stopped, blocking the course, farmer John ended up over the top of his bars landing on Luca Brasi. Ouch. Was it bad luck or maybe John’s old friend karma that caused the accident? After teaching us a few new curse words we all agreed to ride neutral to the start to allow the big man to check himself for broken parts. But now he’s mad and the real racing starts. We begin passing dropped riders, and I spot some peregrine falcons that were nesting at the altitudes.

Stress, pain, and a bit of fun, I hang for 5th place. John promises to get out of our races, but now we have his genetic (and younger) twin to deal with for the rest of the year.

After our race, we did what good teammates do, we climbed the hill and made fun of the other racers.

then we watched them go down.

Worthington Race

2008-06-20T22:24:00.006-04:00

Fantastic course, fast, wide, clean, in a word safe. And there is always a real nice turnout of neighborhood fans with yard parties. Our race the 4/5 was just a warm up for the Tour of Ohio 120 strong event. I think we lined up 16 racers, Luca Brasi, Farmer John, Cadillac, Matt, and myself.

George and I did our famous off-the-back-breakaway(?) for the last 4 laps and heard later that Farmer John had won again! Congrats and yes, he’s agreed to our demands, and will move up to Cat. 3 racing starting tomorrow. I guess Mike Rea will have good company.

Footnote from the world of the eternal boneheads; the Central Ohio Disease Control team appeared tonight, dropping one of their Cat 1-2-3 racers in our race (and aren’t you just proud of yourselves?) plus another hairy racer. By now, no one gives a crap what the diseased ones do, except as Cadillac George and I freewheeled across the finish, way out of the money, the follicled racer was in full sprint to pass us. George turned to me and I think we both exclaimed, ”whatta dick” at the same time...ah, some things never change...

Bob Roll says “Peckerhead better than TOSRV”

2008-06-14T20:11:00.010-04:00

It was an honor to be invited to this annual event, 35, 65, and the John Holmes long - hilly 75 miles of cycling classic. And no, it wasn’t Bob Roll who rode but a guy Bob from Roll: who said that the Peckerhead was “just like TOSRV but without the hobos and showering with strangers.” Sometimes you forget that a ride can happen without an entry fee, a life threatening disease, a fundraiser, or a cause. Allah knows we’ve done way too many ‘rides for a purpose’ these days. I understand Chairman Fred almost couldn’t keep his bike upright due from all the yellow ribbons he was wearing to support the troops, the mothers of the troops, the troops abandoned pets, abandoned paramours, etc. No, today wasn’t about causes, just a great reason to get out in nature, pee off a moving bicycle and make fun of your closest friends. Beautiful ride, great beer, fantastic chocolate lab. Thanks Jay, you dork.

Here’s some overheard remarks from the Peckerhead:

I laughed, I cried, I changed a flat while everyone else took a natural break
--Eva Simmons

Who knew there was 6,000 feet of climbing in Richland county?
--Tom Will

Hey, who was that Amish guy on the bike that looked like the uni-bomber?
--Dave Chambers

I think Stuart is still on the road, must of took a wrong turn in Albuquerque.
--Mike Rea

‘twas the night before the Philly race

2008-06-07T16:40:00.003-04:00

Mark and Mel’s most excellent yearly trip to the Philadelphia pro race, now called Commerce Bank Triple Crown, began 1 day before the race, with a short spin from our hotel in Conshohocken to Manayunk. Home of the famous ‘Manayunk wall,’ a climb that rises 500 feet in 1K, with parts tipping 17%, the racers with battle up it 10 times in their 156 mile race tomorrow. Did someone say ouch? And I can testify that it is indeed a leg breaker. We rode up early in the morning, without downing the usual double espresso (a move I wouldn’t recommend anyone try) and I got that ‘can’t get enough oxygen’ dizzy feeling at the top.

Thankfully we rolled down for a cuppa coffee at a local joint and watched Magnus Backstedt and his Slipstream teammates roll by. And there’s Alex Candelario, coolness.

It’s now nearly 90 degrees, Africa hot, and a local shop is allowing demo rides of new Cervelo bicycles. Will it be the Soloist SLC-SL at 990 grams or the R3-SL at 800 grams! Tough choice, but I rode the Soloist with Zipp 303 wheels. Bike lust is a terrible thing. Indeed.

Time for another espresso, and bonus - we run into the entire Team Highroad. We chat it up with former British champion Roger Hammond for a couple minutes and he poses for a picture, then he acts as the photographer for one of my cycling heroes Servais Knaven, winner of Paris-Roubaix 2001. Could it get any better than this?

Interview with Mike Rea aka RR 2.o

2008-06-06T21:03:00.006-04:00

Mike Rea of Team Roll: won the 2008 Torelli Spring Road Race Series outpacing his Masters opponents by nearly double the available points. He recently sat down with RyLo for this interview

RyLo: Congratulations Mike on your domination of the Torelli Series.

MR: Thank you. The cool thing about cycling is that it’s a team effort and that was definitely the case for the Masters in team roll: this Spring. Our core group of 4 riders (George Conti, Mark Corroto, Dave Chambers and I) rode consistently through the series and in the end it seems to have paid off for our team. These guys are also awesome to train and race with.

RyLo: What were your goals coming into the 2008 season, and have they
changed?

MR: No real goal changes. I wanted to upgrade to Cat 3 which took place recently and I also hoped to have some good race results. We have lots of talent on our team this year and moving forward I want to work hard for the rest of the guys so they can also accomplish their season goals. My race schedule is less structured for the rest of the season, but I would like to ride some of the upcoming Central Ohio criteriums and the Newmark criterium this month. Possibly the Danville state race in July and the Pur Tour in August.

RyLo: It seems there has always been a leader of this team, and the
aptly named Chairman Fred Parks was noticeably absent early this
year, have you taken over as captain of, at least the masters squad?

MR: No way! Chairman Fred will always hold the honor of being "Top Dog" for our Masters. Although he wasn't present in many of the early Spring races, he spent that time training and is really coming into form just in time for the criteriums which are his specialty. Look for big things from Fred this season. In fact I rode with him tonight and his power and sprint are definitely coming on strong. Speaking of Fred, he and I go back a ways and one of my favorite racing experiences with him took place at the Mt. Vernon criterium in 2003, our first year as teammates. Just a few laps into that race Fred attacked the field and I stayed back to try and control the chasers. Fred stayed clear the entire race and had a big win. I was able to come around the chase group at the end for a 2nd place finish. That was a pretty great time.

RyLo: What do you attribute you success to this Year? Rumor has it
that you are working with a coach.

MR I have been working with Ashley Powell at Catup.com http://www.catup.com/. My teammate Mark Corroto recommended Ashley after successfully working with him a few seasons ago. Ashley is terrific and he really pushed me to reach a level of fitness I would not have achieved on my own.

Rylo: Any specific workouts you wish to share with us?

MR: I think my big benefits came from the AT intervals I was doing in the preseason. Shortly before the season began I was up to doing 2 AT intervals at 30 minutes each. These really helped me develop power and endurance.

RyLo: I notice that you ride/race without the use of a power meter,
heart-rate monitor and you don't have a cadence or speed sensor, why?

MR: During the preseason I did use a heart rate monitor to stay in the proper training zones. But I'm one of the least analytical people you will meet and I have just never been able to discipline myself to track a lot of numbers and data. There is no doubt that tools like power meters can be a huge help for a racing cyclist, but I guess I'm just a little too old school.

RyLo: Who are your cycling heroes?

One of my cycling heroes is Glenn Groves - an old time racer from here in Central Ohio. Folks like Chairman Fred and maybe Cadillac George who were around cycling in this area 15 or more years ago probably remember Glenn. Back in the days of FBCI (Franklin Bicycle Club) Glenn was an extremely dominant bike racer and he raced well into his 50's. Last summer Jeff Jackson and I ran into Glenn in Ostrander during a summer training ride. Glenn is one of those guys who never meets a stranger and he invited us to his house after our ride. He has more medals and trophies from winning bike races than all the podium finishes of every bike racer I know combined. His house is also a virtual museum of old bikes and Central Ohio cycling photos from the 50's, 60's and 70's. He's a pretty cool guy and is extremely interesting to talk to. Glenn is still a strong rider and you can sometimes run into him on the weekends when riding north of Delaware.

RyLo: What is the best piece of cycling advice you have ever received?

MR: My friend Jeff Jackson once told me "it is about the journey and not the destination". I think this is true not only for cycling but also for life. I try to keep this in mind when I get too wrapped up in daily details.

RyLo: tell us about your worst day on a bicycle

MR: Probably my worst day on the bike was in 2006 when I raced at Granville with Breakaway. It was one of those early season road races with lots of rain and temperatures somewhere in 50's. I was warming up with Mark Corroto and Andy Will before the race and we were all wondering why we were there since the rain was so hard and cold. The rain continued during the race and it was pretty miserable.  At the end of our race there was a pretty big pileup during the sprint due to the wet roads (I seem to remember that someone broke their frame in two pieces during their crash). Mark and I went to a coffee shop in town after the race to try and warm up and I remember asking myself why I raced that day. I guess stuff like that builds character.

RyLo: Rumor has it that you take part in a secret pepper club, and
perform a 'pepper ritual,' are you at liberty to explain?

MR: Well, I'm not sure I'm able to say too much about that. Each summer one of our Team roll: racers and his wife acquire goat horn peppers from an undisclosed location though unknown means. My understanding is that the ancient Romans harvested these peppers and valued them for their almost magical powers to increase stamina and virility. The peppers are laid out on a table and everyone who is present participates in a ritual of asking the gods to bestow magical powers upon the peppers. After that the peppers are mixed with some secret ingredients and placed special glass containers that have been passed down through several generations. One year I remember asking about the ingredients and was told the last person who asked that question is now known as "ole 9 fingers".

I've heard that cycling greats Fausto Coppi and Alredo Binda consumed this magical mixture and attributed much of their racing success to the almost spiritual powers of these mysterious peppers.

Clinchers or tubulars: clinchers

do you shave your legs in the off season: no

road race or criterium: road race

If I didn't race I probably be: a fat, lazy couch potato

chamois creme or not: definitely during longer races an training rides.

Shimano or Campy: Shimano

rather ride with Greg Lemond or Lance Armstrong: Tough choice - probably Greg Lemond. It would be cool to hear some stories about racing back in the day.

Favorite cycling movie: Breaking Away

Nelsonville Criterium: by the numbers

2008-06-01T20:06:00.008-04:00

Laps: 25
Temp: 79 F
Max Speed: 32 mph
Avg Speed: 22.5 mph

HR Max: 196
HR Avg: 174
Avg Watts: 218
Max Watts: 850
Watts/kg: 3.31

Placing: 3rd

Here's a few more numbers for you;

the last crit I participated in: 22 months ago ( I really miss the corner/sprint/corner)
winner's age: 41 (don't think he is shaving yet)
Number of times Frankie Andreau called Cadillac George's name: 6
Road surface better or worse than Marysville: worse (makes China's earthquake terrain look flat)
water bottles lost on cobbles: all (and on the first lap! gulp)
miles driven to win a new tire: 180
temp of water in bottle given to me by Rea: 65F (can you say 'yuck')
Number of World champions racing: 1 (not in the Master's race silly)

A Mid-Ohio ode to a Cadillac George victory

2008-05-25T08:25:00.006-04:00

with apologies to Mr Dylan, I present Like A Rolling Stone

Once upon a time you dressed so fine
You threw the bums a gel in your prime lap, didn't you?
People'd call, say, "Beware Cadillac, you're bound to fall"
You thought they were all kiddin' you
You used to laugh about
Everybody that was spinnin' out
Now you don't talk so loud
Now you don't seem so proud
About having to be scrounging for your next leadout.

How does it feel
How does it feel
To be without a home
Like a complete unknown
Like a roll:ing stone?

You've gone to the finest school (actually MSU), Mr. Biodiesel
But you know you only used to get juiced on it
And nobody has ever taught you how to live in breakaway
And now you find out you're gonna have to get used to it
You said you'd never compromise
With the mystery Shimano cranks, but now you realize
Tym's not selling any alibis
As you stare into the vacuum of his tubulars
And ask him do you want to make a deal?

How does it feel
How does it feel
To be on your own
With no direction home
Like a complete cobc'er
Like a roll:ing stone?