Thursday Night Training Ride

Anybody else spot the COBC rider pass us in the opposite direction tonight? I did think he had an innovative time trial position!

Yellow Springs Race

Want a race report? Go read ManRea's blog. Today, I chose to be Scotty from TV's Star Trek ..."Captain, I'm givin' all she's got....I've got no more power in me engine room!"

Sixth place for me, sounds better than it actually was...

Tour of Richland County or I want to be the Governor of New York

Before I announce my candidacy for the NY governor’s office, I want to let you know I thought I was prepared for saturday’s race at Malabar (see photo above). Who knew there would be no snow this week, after having the last 4 races canceled due to the white stuff, I was prepared with my new snow-bike-mobile.

Being locked in the house for the past 4 weeks must have been the reason for the big turnout at the parking lot. Besides Rudy Guliani’s new comb-over/no comb-over, I saw (for our team) Rea-Rea 2.o, the Woodman, Iowa-J, Mansfield-J, Mansfield Mark, Man-of-Gawd, the Y&TR, Cadillac George (whose new racing getup is all black) and Pascalinator and her mom. We’re thinking of starting a whole new blog just to cover Pascale’s mother as a Dr. Ruth look-alike.

Tym gives me a race number “709” as in “client #9 and I’m beginning to feel a little Elliot Spitzer. Couple that with temps at 40 degrees and wind gusts at 25+ mph and sports fans, who doesn’t like their action kinda rough and dangerous?

We were scheduled for 30 miles on the up-and-down of Richland county (notice: I didn’t say in-and-out) with it’s share of dogs and locals who hate bikers with Confederate flags proudly displayed. Not dogs with flags but dogs in pickups with flags. The county road crews conveniently spread lotsa gravel on the climbs and in the turns just to give the locals (I mean dogs) the advantage.

I’m told, there are some things even Cinnamon wouldn’t do.

I’m in the masters race with everyone from ex-pros like Greg Lemond to the guy wearing gym shorts and a “I heart NY” t-shirt, maybe he’ll vote for me! To my left is Cadillac George and his 20 excuses, Woodman - “That’s Dr. Woodman, son,” the Mansfield Mark, and Rea-Rea 2.o. The neutral rollout up and up nears my lactate threshold. So I squeeze my new GU viagras and we are off. The first lap of three is quite civil, as we view the turkey vultures making a nice meal of veal McRibs just off the road. The second climb up and we have lost a few of the faithful. Halfway through the second lap and the steep steep roller, I, as they say, ‘popped’. Goodbye Rea-Rea and the bunch. The old joke “Do you smoke after sex?” comes to mind, and yes, the punch line is “I don’t know, I’ve never looked.” My man-on-man masters action is over for the day, all I have to do is finish this race without getting caught by the the big black olive oil biodiesel cadillac that is chasing me.

Just like Elliott Spitzer, my dangerous action would probably be solo for the remainder of the race. Past the dogs, and rednecks and the vultures I rode.

I finished sixth, alone, no Cinnamon, no limo, no problem. The ex-governor might have paid $4800/yr for his master's action . Mine was $25 for an hour and a half, same as ‘in the city.’

Another Canceled Race - Saturday

Snow, snow snow. Another weekend INSIDE and on the trainer! But to quote Walter Sobchak, "Dude, you cannot take this negative energy into the tournament."

So we do our intervals indoors, a kind of abiding....

WINTER - Training Test Part 1.

In a clinical study, performed under scientific parameters this past weekend, American Taliban – Andy Will attempted to accomplish his normal interval workout under the controlled conditions of the aptly named “Chick Flick Training Test.” The results are detailed below. First, allow me to explain the proposal for this study and the possible ramifications of DVD viewing on both VO2 Max and suicidal thoughts/actions.

The task of winter training has been helped immensely by Netflix and three little letters W-C-P. World Cycling Productions packages last years professional cycling race videos for purchase. These include the three grand tours – Giro d’Italia, the Spanish Vuelta, Tour de France, and the spring classics (my favorites). This year they also released an 8-hour version of the 2007 Tour of California where you can play the game ‘find Mel’ by looking for my wife on certain climbs along the route. Note: that’s not her wearing the Grim Reaper costume. You might find that trainer riding while watching a cyclist suffer along side of you to be as entertaining as my dog fat Louie watching the squirrels in the back yard. Or if you are like me, the rhythms of the peloton are one great “OM” or hypnotic inducing trance.

Unfortunately, once you are through the 30 or so hours of race videos it is still December. There is the option of watching the 1999 TDF again, you know the only one where Lance Armstrong says or does something unscripted. We started looking for other choices.

Alternatives to race videos are television, but sorry, I can’t take the commercials and the NFL, NBA, NASCAR (not a sport), WNBA, NHL, NCAA Basketball, and ultimate fighting have been banned in my house. That leaves us with DVD rentals on Netflix. What a godsend! 3 DVDs to my door, and three more on the way anytime I say so. Pop a flick in, and 2 hours later you are wiping sweat off your bike, trainer and floor. Easy as pie.

Andy and I have found certain videos have yielded better workouts, harder efforts, and less opportunities to be distracted by housework, homework, or significant spouses. Thus, less chance one will ride off the sides of your rollers and into the Emergency room. Top films for indoor training would certainly fail the UCI’s allowable testosterone levels. This years top films include:

1. Shoot ‘em Up - hundreds of dead bodies and plenty of guns
2. Transformers - kid's toys attack
3. Live Free or Die Hard - God bless Bruce Willis
4. Casino Royale - Finally Bond gets pissed off
5. The Bourne Ultimatum - Doing to the CIA - what it does to us.
6. American Gangster - a Denzel your mom would hate
7. 28 Days Later - Zombies that can sprint
8. MotoGP 2004 - Better than the cycling crash video
9. Eastern Promises - Naked guys knife fighting
10. Superbad - Somebody on the team is gonna be tagged as “McLovin” real soon

I’ve also found loud, I mean LOUD concert videos have really benefited me during tough intervals, favorites include:

1. The Pixies Sellout - Anybody else think A. Burns resembles Flank Black?
2. Rage Against The Machine Battle of Mexico City - Zack de la Rocha really puts it to the man, wait a minute, I’m the man! (got to cover this with my shrink next session)

But what would happen if you trained while viewing a testosterone-free movie? No car chases, no guns, no smirking Bruce Willis? Cat. 2 road racer Andy Will, accepted this challenge. Actually, he said he would take my test IF we weren’t riding outside by the first of March. Who knew winter would refuse to leave? Saddle up guinea pig.

Because my grant from the National Institute of Sports Science was turned down we didn’t obtain the oxygen mask and blood hemocrit tester and since Andy doesn’t use a power meter, heart rate monitor, or a freakin’ speedometer, this test has morphed into a purely subjective evaluation. His test movie choices, either Fried Green Tomatoes or Bridget Jones Diary were to be played during the actual interval session. “Blaaat” is the sound of one cyclist throwing up – but my observations would remain purely objective.

Andy was allowed one bottle of water every hour. Rollers were chosen because if he attempted to close his eyes during the test he would ride off the sides of the rollers and break a collarbone. At no time was he allowed to adjust the volume of the video or switch to the McNeil/Lehrer Report. He was to be given a two minute bathroom break every hour for a total ride of three hours. For the first hour warm-up, he was shown movie trailers from My Big Fat Greek Wedding, several Jane Austin novels, and a sampling of movies by Hugh Grant, Dame Judy Dentch, and Kevin Costner.

Look for Part 2 - the Chick Flick Training Test

Testa Della Corsa

A wise man once told me, "It's not what you accomplish in life, but what you overcome." 

Frosty Bro’s race 2/16/2008

Race day, the phone rings it’s Rea-Rea, I ask what time is it?
“did you see the Grammy’s?”
What?
“The Grammy Awards, the the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences of ...”
No, did you? and what time is...nevermind what’s the temperature?
“Fifteen degrees, but have you ever heard of Amy Winehouse?”
who? no, why?
“How about Feist? Michael Bublé? Plain White T's?”
No, no and No...and such are the seeds for the conversation for the MASTERS race set to begin the 2008 season in mid-February. Normally I don’t race in subfreezing temperatures but since this is a leap year and the hollywood writer’s strike had just ended, I couldn’t stay at home one more saturday and NOT peal the old wallpaper off the ‘looks-just-fine-to-me’ kitchen. Besides the Masters race was to feature the likes of Cadillac George, Luca Brasi, and the aforementioned Rea-Rea (all slimmed down and jacked up).

I roll up to the start and Cadillac is ranting about Herbie Hancock winning album of the year, “Did you hear his Joni Mitchell Tribute? trash!” he proclaims.
I know Geo., I prefer his work with the Miles Davis second great quintet, or Rockit, for that matter, but pop music is more about Starbucks than, well music these days.
The start line also finds Farmer John and the Young-and-the-restless Andy in the 1-2-3-4 race (good luck cat. 4s), and trailing our start, in the Cat 5 race, was the man of Gawd, Dan T.

We roll out and Luca sings a constant refrain from a George Thorogood record, maybe as a way to block the Grammy conversation. “Yeah, Luca, you’re bad to the bone, shut up already!”

Three laps at ten miles a lap - the pace is brisk here’s the stats. First lap 21.3 MPH, Second 20.7, third 21.4 mph. Everyone takes turns at the front, and because we are in a heavy discussion about the state of the music industry we cooperate. Yeah, by the start Rea-Rea’s Grammy fever had spread. Sure we all had gone online to listen to a few notes from Amy Winehouse’s “hit” the lyrics go something like this:

They tried to make me go to rehab
I said no, no, no.
Yes I been black, but when I come back
You wont know, know, know.

I ain’t got the time
And if my daddy thinks im fine
He’s tried to make me go to rehab
I wont go, go, go.

“Brilliant” Rea-Rea chimes in sarcastically - might be Alexander Vinokourov’s theme song, But the music sounds like something from 1960’s motown. “Sure, that’s the thing, these kids have NO music of their own time, for their own time.”
Who did we have, I ask Peter Frampton? The Eagles? Styx? I think I’m gonna be sick...
Finally Luca wakes up (I think we are in lap two), “hey what about the Commodores? Then he starts singing - which makes us all start singing

She's a brick----house
Mighty mighty, just lettin' it all hang out
She's a brick----house
The lady's stacked and that's a fact,
ain't holding nothing back.
She knows she got everything
a woman needs to get a man, yeah.
How can she use, the things she use
36-24-36, what a winning hand!
She's a brick----house
Mighty mighty, just lettin' it all hang out
She's a brick----house

Nothing like the classics! and the race is on, all the brotherly love displayed in the first 2 laps of the race turns into a a family reunion for Uday and Qusay Hussein. I’m trying to figure out how I can drop my teammates and they do the same.
Luckily the finish of the Frosty Toes sets up just like a Baghdad street with parked cars, bomb craters, and gravel everywhere. We make the final right turn and I follow the diesel engine of Cadillac George (outfitted for 2008 as an olive oil bio-diesel ) up the short incline past a few of the locals to get third place just behind the newly revamped star Rea-Rea. 2.0.

Summary: no crashes, no frostbite, no Pascale - so, no underwear dance. We take 4 out of the top 5 finishes in the Master's race, and thus it starts...

I saw my own death on a training ride

Training in February in Ohio in a 25 mph wind merits induction into the Become-Belgian-For-a-Day club. Forget Beech Mountain, Ventoux, Mt. Washington, etc, etc. Planning an interval session on the open farmland roads of Ohio in the wind is about as epic as you can get. Last Saturday, ManRay, and the two Wills joined me for a 2 hour survivor episode that included flooded roads, 25 mph winds gusting to 33, and temperatures nearly 40 degrees! (wind chills below freezing).

But who knew? At 8am the temperature was 37, no wind, and I think I saw the sun come up. I immediately phoned the ManRay waking him from his doughnut induced sleep. The plan was to do a couple sets of 25 minute intervals at LT. That’s “Lactate Threshold” intervals, not “Life Threatening” as it turned out.

We rolled out to sunny skies and the locals tossing rose petals at our feet (maybe it was beef jerky). The road to Waldo was clear, and after 30 minutes warm up, I was feeling strong – some say it was the 25 mph wind at my back. The intervals start, and of course we turned into the wind. My speed slowed from the brisk 24mph to a crawl. Was my brake stuck? Do I need a new chain? Old man winter blows. We invented a new cycling posture with the wind blowing sideways, I rode straight ahead AND leaned as if in a criterium turn while I pushed one break hood and pulled the other to stay upright. At one point there was inquiry if I could maintain the speed of 12mph. The answer was no. I rode at 170bpm and 11mph! Snot froze. Hands numbed, and then we arrived at the road closed by the winter flood waters. At least in New Orleans you got gumbo – all we had was a second hour of trudging back to home base and of course the weather had turned from bad to Belgian. Winds shifted, more riding into the wind and not one fatty to draft behind.

At one point I had to slap a delirious rider to keep him from taking refuge in a drainage ditch and accepting the gentle sleep afforded by hypothermia. Luckily our team is sponsored by a nice bookstore with a fine espresso machine. That was probably the only saving grace and the one beacon calling us back to civilization.

more velo-ku

Mel meets the devil
but the malodorous one
gets the last guffaw

Cycling Haiku (5-7-5)

Paulo Bettini literally is poetry in motion on a bicycle. Despite the common belief that writing poems while on a training ride is quite difficult and possibly unsafe, I beg to differ. The art of the haiku is perfect for creating AND chanting while you train. Give it a try....I'll be posting some bike haikus in upcoming blogs. (anyone out there think this might be a sure sign of oxygen debt?)

Winter training camp
Taking a piss while rolling
Making Frozen Ropes

Dreaming of Colnago
with some Campy or Shimano
Clinchers or tubies?